Once upon a time I was interviewed by the notorious Meankitty, “owned” by author Jody Wallace. Now the hour for payback is upon us! Also, ’tis the hour of bad Microsoft Paint pictures of Jody Wallace and Meankitty laying out some hardcore smackdown on a bunch of flesh-eating gnomes…
Keith Melton: So we meet again, Meankitty. Alas, this time it is I who holds the microphone and the pictures of your wild catnip crazed nights in Vegas. So let’s just cut to the chase. Interview subjects. Which do you prefer? Humans, dogs, cats, or piranhas?
Meankitty: Cats. No contest. Sometimes dogs try to get uppity with me and I have to bring out the claw. Speaking of uppity, and hippity hoppity, we’re about to interview a rabbit. That should be interesting.
KM: That would make a good title for your autobiography, actually. “Meankitty: Bringing Out The Claw.”
And I’ve heard rumors of this upcoming rabbit interview. Apparently the bunny in question claims to be a servant of the Prince of Darkness. Who knew?
But moving on…please take a moment and list the indignities and day-to-day humiliations you suffer as a result of being owned by a human with a writing career. Don’t hold back. Let it all out. Is that a tear I see? I sense some large-scale pathos on the way…
Meankitty: Just five minutes ago, I saw her pushing Big D out of the way because the LAPTOP was in her lap. This happens far too often. In fact, I have no need to be in her lap until the LAPTOP makes an appearance. Or when she’s sick to her stomach or suffering from some kind of hot flash. Then I like to press my sultry, furry self up against her and make things worse. Oh, and sometimes when I have cold feet. As for the rest, she hired Food Slave (the man human) to tend our culinary and litterbox needs so we’re okay there. I say “hired” but I think the humans call it “married”. I don’t try to argue semantics with the fur challenged.
KM: Probably wise. Our five dedicated readers would like to know: Do you chase mice…or do mice chase you?
Meankitty: No mice have the ability to chase in this house. We run a clean operation. As for other mice, see below.
KM: Cat toys? Blissful objects of feline joy, or crass plastic exploitation manufactured in China?
Meankitty: It depends on the toy. I’m particularly fond of small fake mice and any precious small objects that are not exactly cat toys but which the mini humans love. Either way, they ALL go under the couch and stove. I also like to bat food crumbs under there. I was solely responsible for the Great Weevil Infestation of 2009. Meeeee-ow, was that ever hilarious! Freaking-out humans are laughtastic.
KM: I recently read a rumor (which may have been started by a certain demonic bunny) that you lick yourself. Truth or Libel?
Meankitty: Of course I do. I’m delicious!
KM: That may actually qualify as the Best Answer Ever To An Inappropriate Question.
So are you as “mean” as your title implies? Or are you just tragically misunderstood?
Meankitty: Yes and no.
KM: Ah, scintillating. I’m curious. What’s the question you’ve always wanted to ask but have never been asked because you’re a cat, and people generally don’t ask cats about their opinions? Feel free to answer that question here.
Meankitty: The answer is, “Because they’re pink inside.” HAHAHAHAHA! Am I right or am I right?
KM: Do you fear the coming Typing Slave Revolution? Do you ever bite the hand that feeds? LOL Cats, love ‘em or hate ‘em? And lastly, do you sing?
Meankitty: Typing Slave’s only revolution is when she gave up coffee for tea. The woman is not the revolution type. Most cat staff aren’t. We select them that way carefully.
No, I don’t bite the hand that feeds me. That’s a beginner’s tactic. Sometimes Big D does but he’s dumber than I am.
LOL Cats are spelling challenged. But they sure make a lot more money than we do. I would love to make that kind of money, but I would not love to have that many ads on my website or do that much work. Could there BE more sites in the Cheezburger network? I mean, seriously. Sure the contributors and commenters provide most of the entertainment, but still.
No, I do not sing. I am more of a dancer.
KM: Okay, our sincere thanks to Meankitty for allowing us into the exciting world of Cats on the Internet. Now we turn to interview Meankitty’s professional cat wrangler and author, Jody Wallace, aka Ellie Marvel, aka MK’s Typing Slave. First question: do you feel a compulsive need to correct grammar errors? Is this a consequence of your time spent as a college English instructor?
Jody Wallace: I restrain myself more than I used to since I don’t get paid to do it anymore but the urge burns inside me like the yearning for coffee after several months of caffeine free tea.
KM: You have creepy pictures of gnomes on your website. Do these gnomes exist in your general vicinity? And how can you walk through your yard in peace knowing there are creepy gnomes peeking at you?
Jody Wallace: Gnomes do exist everywhere, but my yard is protected. I invested in gnome-pel, I have Meankitty, and I know for a fact the gnome statues I own will not reanimate in the presence of magic. In fact, like the statues Jake’s grandfather Pap creates (from Survival of the Fairest), they ward off the REALLY dangerous creatures of the paranormal underworld.
Question for readers: is your yard protected? Are you prepared? One thing to beware of is the tiny, buzzing grrrrrrrrr gnomes make right before the attack. Another is the gleam in their eyes that can be mistaken as harmless dewdrops or some shit like that. Plus they smell like carrion. You catch a whiff of that? Don’t look around for the roadkill, just run.
KM: Well, I know I’m prepared. I wear chainmail socks and I installed strands of electrified razor wire around the flowerbeds…
Follow up question: will the world ever learn the truth about gnomes? Forget the zombies, what about the Gnome Apocalypse?
Jody Wallace: It’s not like I’m not putting the information out there. What the world chooses to do with it–like ignore me totally–is their mistake. If you don’t want to be on the losing side, watch your back, and invest in some high quality waders.
KM: Tell us about your newest book release.
Jody Wallace: I assume you mean something currently on the shelves. Alas, I can’t remember that far back. Ok, I had a contemporary romance come out in December 2009 as Ellie Marvel called “What She Deserves” — a high school reunion story with insufficient cats or gnomes. But people seem to like it. I hope that’s not a reflection of how much they don’t like cats and gnomes.
KM: I realize that Survival of the Fairest has flesh-eating gnomes (which should make it an auto-buy for any reader of this blog), but do you ever plan on writing a romance about gnomes? I’m sure they have some stories to tell…
Aside to our readers
(You can find Survival of the Fairest and other Jody Wallace books here: http://samhainpublishing.com/authors/jody-wallace )
Jody Wallace: Gnomes don’t reproduce in a way that human readers would consider romantic, considering it involves turning to stone, shattering themselves into pieces and waiting for those pieces to reform into baby gnomes, aka skitters. That’s why, during a gnome infestation, you really have to stomp the bits into dust. Can’t have heads and limbs rolling around intact. They will literally come back to bite you in the ass.
With that in mind, I’d have to say their potential as romance novel protagonists is limited. Hm. Maybe children’s stories, you think?
KM: Honestly, I had NO IDEA about the details of gnome reproduction. Fascinating…and yet entirely disturbing.
But on with our questions!
Do you prefer to work from tight outlines or are you a pantser?
Jody Wallace: I like my pants. Sometimes they get set on fire. By the HOTNESS, of course.
KM: That only happens to me when I’m running the barbeque.
So, what are your favorite types of stories? Any favorite themes or tropes or character archetypes?
Jody Wallace: Reworked fairy tales are a joy. Favorite themes would be best friends who become better friends, HUBBA HUBBA, women who can rescue themselves but let the men help so they’ll feel manly, men who realize women can rescue themselves but go ahead and help so she won’t be too exhausted afterwards to have sex, and apocalyptic stuff that isn’t entirely bleak. Well, to be honest, I’m not drawn to anything that’s bleak. Except the publishing industry, and opinions on that are wildly varied.
KM: You crochet, which I’m told is completely different from knitting, sewing, or pottery. You also crochet some extremely awesome things. Here’s an example:
And some more can be found here:
Do you work from a pattern? Do you create these designs on your own? Do you sell these things?
Jody Wallace: I work mostly from patterns. I’m actually not very good. I mess up a lot and try to send my stuff to people who don’t crochet themselves; that way they won’t notice my lack of skillz. I do not sell anything for money. I prefer other kinds of payment. Praise, adoration, back scratching, free meals, that sort of thing.
Keith’s Lazy Question: What did you always want to be asked about in an interview that you’ve never been asked before? Feel free to answer that question here.
Jody Wallace: Yes, thanks! I’ll take it in cash.
Keith’s Rapid Fire Questions:
1.) Favorite musical artists and/or genres of music?
Jody Wallace: Faves are funk, trip hop, speed garage, some industrial, bluegrass, anything by They Might Be Giants except that one album, 80’s music because of the painful nostalgia, and Irish punk.
2.) Food you hate most? (If it’s not Jell-O, skip this question and/or lie.)
Jody Wallace: Jell-O with LIVER and bits of SOUSE MEAT in it. Not even Meankitty will eat souse meat.
KM: I had to look up souse meat…and I may never be the same. Souse meat is a substance that should be purged from the earth with FIRE!
FIRE, I SAY!
::pant, pant, pant::
Okay, on with the interview before I have to start the hard drinking to forget about souse meat…
3.) Would you rather go to outer space or deep under the ocean?
Jody Wallace: Deep under the ocean. Outer space is dicey since I’m still in hiding after that incident on Baranax Prime in Galactic Year 298744. Oh, wait, that’s a lie. The true answer is neither. I get sea and air sick too easily.
4) What would be your ideal vacation?
Jody Wallace: I think I just took it. DH and I went to Yellowstone with a gnome, a writer friend, her husband and no kids. I love my children, I really do, but I don’t think they’d have enjoyed Yellowstone at their ages. Too much waiting, not enough places to swim without getting boiled or frozen.
Another ideal part was I didn’t have to worry about the kids (or cats) because my sister stayed at our house with them. Bless her! I got to hear a lot of funny stories about how Meankitty tormented “Nanny Slave” in our absence. MK broke out the one paw, the midnight howl, the crazed bug chase and even invented a few new maneuvers. That Meankitty!
KM: What are you looking forward to the most in the coming year, career wise and life-in-general?
Jody Wallace: I have a novel due out with Samhain in February or March 2011 called One Thousand Kisses, the sequel to Survival of the Fairest. It’s full of cats and a few gnomes. Meankitty made me do it. I’m in edits right now, cutting 16,000 precious words you will NEVER get to SEE that are probably the best things I’ve ever written in my life. No, that’s the hick lit novel nobody wanted to buy. But these 16,000 words are damn good ones.
I’m also looking forward to August 2011 when my youngest starts kindergarten. FREEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMM! Only, I don’t think I’ll paint my face blue or get myself stabbed with a sword.
KM: I believe the general idea is to paint your face blue and stab other people with a sword, but who’s keeping track, right? ^_^
Thanks again to Jody Wallace and Meankitty for taking the time to join us today. Jody can be found on Twitter:
Jody’s books can be found here:
and Ellie Marvel’s books can be found here:
The notorious Meankitty and various amusing Meankitty interviews can be found here:
Drop by. Say hello. But whatever you do, don’t taunt Meankitty with anchovies…
Keith Melton Interviews People, Keith Uses Paint, Wicked Awesome, Writer Stuff