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Moby Dick: The Vampire White Whale

April 22nd, 2010

In the tradition of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and the bandwagon train of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Queen Victoria Demon Hunter, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, Mr. Darcy Vampyre, Android Karenina, The Undead World of Oz, Emma and the Werewolves, Little Women and Werewolves, Little Vampire Women, Mansfield Park and Mummies, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim, etc, etc, comes the newest Classic Horror Mash Up!

Moby Dick: The Vampire White Whale! by Herman Melville and Keith Melton

See a rather peeved Vampire Hunter Captain Ahab (who apprenticed under the great Van Helsing himself) chase a vampire White Whale around the world while indulging in a bit of ranting, soliloquy-style, and followed by various whaling shenanigans!

Vampire White Whale Moby Dick had bitten Captain Ahab’s leg with his massive three-foot long fangs on a previous whaling expedition. Ahab lost the limb and now sports a finely carved Mahogany wooden leg signed by the crew (Collector’s edition replicas available NOWfor only $19.99 plus $9.99 shipping and handling). Captain Ahab swears vengeance and takes his steampunk airship the Pequod to hunt down and stake the Killer Vampire White Whale who only comes out at night!

See the NEW and IMPROVED Classic Opening line: “Call me Ishmael, apprentice vampire slayer.”

Stare in awe at all the updated mayhem and violence inserted for no other reason than to increase the amount of mayhem and violence!

Marvel as everything you ever learned in school about Moby Dick is turned on its head and warped into a new American Masterpiece that would make an excellent BLOCKBUSTER HOLLYWOOD MOVIE!

(Note: This post is pure satire…unless a publisher wants to pay me a ton of money to maul Melville’s classic work. In which case, I’m so there with bells on, rockin’ my Nantucket accent)

The vibrant illustrations included in this cutting edge mangling adaption of a Great Work of Literature were done in Microsoft Paint. Critiques including, but not limited to, comments on how the water seems to disobey the laws of physics and is actually higher on the right hand side, the fact that Ahab is actually missing two feet, physiological mistakes regarding sperm whales, and/or any other disparaging comments should withheld pending the artist actually learning how to draw.

Keith Melton

Fiction, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk, Wicked Awesome , ,

  1. Moira Rogers – Bree
    April 22nd, 2010 at 12:50 | #1

    I only have one question: where IS a whale’s heart?!?

  2. April 22nd, 2010 at 12:57 | #2

    Moira Rogers – Bree :I only have one question: where IS a whale’s heart?!?

    Good question. I have no idea. However, my boy Ahab is going to plug the blowhole.

  3. April 23rd, 2010 at 21:57 | #3

    I wasn’t going to say anything about his feet, but since you mentioned it….

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