Every now and again on Twitter, I’ll go through and follow and unfollow a bunch of people. If I unfollow you, don’t take it personally. Likewise, I don’t take it personally when someone unfollows me. Twitter’s dynamic, not static.

However, a little while ago someone contacted me and demanded to know, in a snarky, confrontational, borderline douche-y way why I had stopped following her. I didn’t really know what to tell her, except maybe I unfollowed her because she was the type of person who would contact me afterward demanding explanations in a snarky, confrontational, borderline douche-y way.

j/k.

But @snarkyconfrontationalborderlinedouchey got me thinking about some of my Twitter turn-offs. And then I drew some pictures with my dubious artistic skillz.

(I see some of you getting paranoid. Remember that I’m talking in terms of extremes and NOT YOU. We’ll have more fun that way.)

 

1) Spammer

 

The annoyance level of this one is high enough I felt I had to include it even though I probably wouldn’t be following you if you were a spammer, I’d block you from following me. You asshat.

 

2) Constant Promo

 

You GUYS. Constant promo is like spam’s baby nephew. Sure, tweet lines from your book. Tweet your release dates/publication news. Tweet your friend’s releases. But for god’s sake, engage beyond that, or you won’t be promo-ing effectively.

 

3) TMI

 

Hey, morning glory, I heard a story…Twitter is PUBLIC. *gasp*

There’s a fine line between being naughty/inappropriate and just excessively, constantly oversharing everything about your body/sex life. One can be cute and fun and funny, and the other can be uncomfortable.

I know it’s hard to resist. It hurts. You know what helps? I repress. Rai’s are real good at repression. Like the time I watched a certain scene in Jerry Maguire with my dad sitting next to me, or the time my mom tried to use a Meatloaf song to launch a discussion about the birds and the bees.

Mama Rai: “You know what he’s talking about, when he says he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that? Sex. He wouldn’t have premarital sex. Because you can die from it. If you aren’t married.”

I repressed! It works great. So the next time you feel the urge to put up an avi of your nipple, take all of that desire, shove it down deep, and write a sex scene with ping pong paddles. Trust me.

 

4) Chronic RTing

 

RTing is fun, isn’t it? But 40 inane RT’s without a break for any actual original content can get boring. RT responsibly.

 

5) Never Tweeter

 

Self-explanatory.

 

6) It’s not you. It’s me.

 

Ah. This covers probably about 99% of the users I unfollow. You may be super fun and have interesting things to say, but I need to let you go right now. I may let you go, and keep someone who hits all of the pet peeves I listed above, but for some reason I want them to hang around a little longer. Maybe the time for us getting together isn’t right at the moment. Maybe I’ll come back to you later, and we’ll feel that click. Maybe I’m burned out. Maybe I just need a change. It’s not you. Really. It’s me. Now baby, please don’t…here. I’ll get the check.

Alisha Runs Amok, Bad Paint, Random Junk Twitter destroys the world, Twitter Love

The turkey’s been eaten, your black eye’s healing from that deceptively angelic looking grandma beating your ass for the last Zhu Zhu pet on Black Friday, and your Christmas tree is bright and shiny in your living room. It’s officially holiday time!

In the big city, nothing says holidays quite like elaborately dressed department store windows. A few weeks ago, I came across this awesome one:

I wish I could have snagged a better shot of the whole giant thing so you could truly appreciate it. This is the conversation I imagine would take place upon seeing this window:

Girl: Mommy, mommy, it’s Barbie and Ken!
Mom: Wow, you’re right it is! It’s…huh.
Girl: What?
Mom: (tilting head) Um. Nothing.

See, despite the sheer brilliance in creating this ode to childhood (and holy cow, hats off to you, nameless decorator), something was bugging me about it. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I passed it about ten more times, noticing something new each time that made me, with my warped imagination, smile.

And the following entirely fictional, adults only conversation resulted.

Barbie: …can you believe she had the nerve to say that to my face? And after all I did for Skipper, practically raising her as my own all these years. Working as a pediatrician so she’d have free healthcare. That stint as a vet so she could have horse riding lessons. Spending ’85 in that horrid peaches and cream ball gown so the Peach Mafia out of Savannah would leave us be. All those littlest pet shop creatures I let her keep. That thankless little biotch.

Barbie: And the worst part of it all is that Midge took her side! I was the bridesmaid in her wedding, and she couldn’t even stick up for me. You know what I think? I think she’s jealous. Brunettes just aren’t as popular as us blonde dolls. Don’t you agree, Snookie Wookie?

Barbie: Ken? Don’t you agree?

Ken: You really want to know what I think?
Barbie: Of course, snookums.
Ken: No you don’t. You never want to know what I think.
Barbie: Ken! Whatever gave you such an idea…
Ken: You! You gave me that idea! Of course I believe you don’t have any friends! I can barely stand to look at you!
Barbie: (gasps) How dare you?
Ken: How dare I what? How dare I finally open my mouth after decades of living amongst your insanity?
Barbie: I don’t even know what you’re talking about.
Ken: You don’t, huh? Why don’t we start with your deep seated narcissism? I could forgive the pictures of yourself everywhere. But honest to God, that chandelier…

Barbie: What’s wrong with it?
Ken: Are you shittin’ me, B? The way those dolls are hanging down like that…

Ken: Sometimes, when I’m walking under it, I feel a little shoe thump me on the head. It’s like they’re silently screaming for help.
Barbie: Oh pooh! Just because I like to decorate–
Ken: And what about the tree, B?
Barbie: …
Ken: Where are the ornaments?
Barbie: (mumbles)
Ken: What? I couldn’t hear you. Where are the fucking ornaments?
Barbie: On the ground.

Ken: That’s right. And why are they on the ground? I’ll tell you why. Because you had to rip them down before I came home to put up your decorations.

Ken: I mean, look at the way their arms are reaching out for mercy. Have you no pity, woman?
Barbie: I…I can’t help it, Ken. I just like to look at myself.
Ken: Then why did you stab that picture of yourself in the face???

Ken: That is some messed up shit right there.
Barbie: (sobbing on her knees amidst broken glass ornaments) I’m so sorry, Ken. So, so sorry. But to be fair, you’re the one who flaunts pictures of your mistress everywhere.

Ken: My…seriously? Fucking seriously? Barbie, that’s a picture of yourself from the 70′s in black face. I told you when you put it up that it was deeply offensive.
Barbie: Oh. Really?
Ken: I’m calling your psychiatrist. First though…
Barbie: You want to kiss me and carry me off to live in the Waikiki Dream Mansion?
Ken: No. I want to tell you that I hate the color pink.
Barbie: Fuck you. Fuck you and your hairless chesticles.
Ken: Come on. Pink socks? You may as well strip my manhood away completely.

Barbie: I don’t think it was the pink that stripped your manhood away, you bastard.
Ken: …Oh. Oh no you didn’t. No you di-n’t just throw that in my face.
Barbie: It’s been in my face for years, Flat-Crotch.
Ken: You know I can’t help what the manufacturers didn’t give me! That does it. I’m going to see you committed if it’s the last thing I do. (Picks up phone)
Barbie: (withdraws pink revolver from her pink clutch) Darling?

::single gunshot::

Barbie: (crooning to dolls in chandelier) You’ll never leave me, will you my pretties? You like pink. You like us. Never, ever leave…
Ken: That’s a toy gun from your stint as a cowgirl, B.
Barbie: Son of a bitch!

Fin.

Alisha Runs Amok, Awesomesauce, Random Junk Alisha Loves Her Camera, Alisha Runs Amok Abroad, Barbie Love, Parody

As you may or may not know, I’m currently on an extended visit to the U.K. I’m absolutely adoring it. The only downside is the time difference and the effect it has on my ability to connect with my friends. I used to be an hour ahead of Bree and Donna…now I’m six! And I won’t even get started on the eight hours separating me and my buddies on the west coast. Really, their cheekiness in living further away from me astounds me.

So I was feeling pretty homesick when I wandered into a bookstore off Fleet Street and discovered something wonderful. No, no, not a demon barber. Even better!

And who’s in the Mammoth Book of Paranormal Romance 2, alongside Lara Adrian, Nathalie Gray (a.k.a. the awesome cover artist Kanaxa), Ann Aguirre, S.J. Day and more?

Squee! It’s Bree and Donna! Why, it’s practically like they’re here with me…

*Insert Flashback Sound Effect Which I Am Not Techy Enough To Actually Produce Even After Spending an Hour Attempting It*

First, our day starts out with a traditional British breakfast.

Don’t forget your umbrella, mate. London weather is unpredictable!

Ah, yes, and we’re off. There are so many things to see in London. Like…

What, ho, Trafalgar Square!

I say, Marble Arch! (This is near the Tyburn Gallows. Moira likes stuff like that)

Chuffed to see Big Ben!

Museums as far as me eye can see, luv!

This…chap dressed like a knight!

And of course, no trip to London would be complete without a ride in a double decker bus, eh Moira?

You have to sit on the top level to get the best view:

Wow, Moira, this has been an awesome day. My feet are…whoa. Hey. Where did you get that badger? I don’t think…OMG. Put it away, Rogers. For the love of pete, put it away before…

NOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOoooooo!

Blimey. Well, it was fun while it lasted. At least bobbies look adorable, yes?

While I bail out my friends, you should check out The Mammoth Book of Paranormal Romance 2, now available in the U.K. and the U.S.! It’s a solid anthology, filled with some very good authors.

As a side note, if you’re wondering how many funny looks I got as I took pictures with a book with a naked winged man on it, the answer is: none. The British, bless their hearts, are far too polite to stare bug-eyed, even at the crazy American in their midst.

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Leave a comment here to enter to win your choice of Moira Roger’s Samhain digital titles! Contest closes Sunday, Oct. 17th.

It’s Donna’s birthday today, hooray! Now, Donna isn’t just Kim Possible and a homicidal maniac. She has so many other wonderful qualities, and so, for her birthday, Keith and I have put together an illustrated pictorial of some of the things that make Donna awesome…in true internetz fashion, via LOLCats.

Alisha: She’s an excellent mother.

Keith: A ninja mother!

Alisha: That goes without saying. She’s also has a great sense of humor and can induce milk-through-nose snortage with just a one liner.

Keith: I heard that once, she killed a man by making him laugh to death. Then she used his limbs to tickle people and start the cycle of laughter and death all over again!
Alisha: What? Melton, you must stop your lies! This is for Donna’s birthday, remember.
Keith: Oh, yeah.
Alisha: It’s your turn.
Keith: Well, she’s an integral part of Moira Rogers. Not only is she a great writer, but she does an awesome job on the edits that turn their books into gold.
Alisha: Oh, good point!

Alisha: Um. That caption seems a little…
Keith: What?
Alisha: Never mind. She’s a warm and loving friend, who always has time for a chat and an ear to let you vent.

Keith: Except when she’s singlehandedly destroying Asian cities!

Alisha:…I’m going to ignore you.
Keith: Probably a good plan.
Alisha: Donna also has great taste in men. See here.
Keith: And cats.

Alisha: That’s a monkey.
Keith: Thats what she wants you to think.
Alisha: Sigh. I tried. Happy Birthday Donna!
Keith: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Keith: Wait, wait, wait! I drew a picture. It has Flying Robot Monkey Sharks! Which is what the rest of the Scribbling Ninjas decided to buy Donna this year because she already owns a tractor.

 

 

Leave a comment here to enter to win your choice of Moira Roger’s Samhain digital titles! Also, don’t forget to go to the Moira Rogers blog and wish Donna a Happy Birthday there for more chances to win books.

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Yes, one thing we’ve learned here at Scribbling Ninjas is to avoid Alisha Rai when she breaks out her dreaded garment of choice…

Not working very well, Alisha…? OR WORKING EXACTLY AS INTENDED! O_O

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the friendly and helpful people at Scribbling Ninjas.

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This is Alisha Rai.

This is Keith Melton.
…
I’m sorry, Jordan Knight of New Kids On The Block, otherwise known as NKOTB—that’s an awesome rat-tail—do you mind moving so I can take a picture of Keith? Thanks!

This is Keith Melton.

This is Sasha Knight. Sasha Knight is the superhero who edits Keith and Alisha. This is not always easy.

Keith likes to turn household objects into verbs.

And then, Karl Vance cherrypitted his ladylove while she palmolived his…

Alisha can get very excited!!!

Sasha! Sasha! Sasha! OMG! OMG!

Poor Sasha.

But, wait! Sasha is editing an exciting new anthology for Samhain. She’s put out a call for Cyberpunk novellas.

“What’s cyberpunk?”

“Alisha, I’m so glad you asked that. Cyberpunk is—“

“Wait! Can we change that to…’I’m so glad you asked that!’”

“No.”

“But—“

“No. Cyberpunk is a genre that usually concerns the future, a future where society has broken down but science and technology has thrived.”

Alisha is still confused. So she calls her friends down in Alabama, Bree and Donna of Moira Rogers fame.

“Donna, get this, Sasha has a new cyberpunk anthology coming out!”

“No way, Bree, post-industrial dystopia is one of my favorite things to write! We should submit something, because we do have that 2011 goal of taking over all genres that end in the word ‘punk.’”

“Hmmm, I don’t know, we do have those eight projects that will be published one a day next week.”

“But there are only seven days in a week.”

“Samhain built an eighth day just for us, to release our pre-pre-pre-pre-prequel to the Red Rock series, ‘Sanctuary: The Mesozoic Age’. But I guess I could move some stuff around and we can crank out a critically acclaimed, best-selling novella before brunch.”

“Great! While you were talking, I drew up some detailed character histories.”

“Way to go, Donna! Here, I put together a chart tracking our key demographic and projected sales.”

Alas, Bree and Donna were of no help to Alisha.

“Sigh. I’m still confused about this whole cyberpunk thing.”

“Oh Alisha. Just think, The Matrix. You know, where society is all scary and destroyed and barren but people are plugged into computers and can do all sorts of high tech, unbelievable stuff.”

“Ohhhh. Like a blurring of the lines between reality and virtual reality! Excellent example, Vivian Arend. Um. Why are you dressed like a mermaid?”

“Because my new water shifter ménage releases this week. You can read more about it here.”

“Wow, Viv. That’s the most shameless plug I’ve seen in a while.”

“Yeah. Kay, bye!”

“I think I understand what cyberpunk is now, Sasha! Is there anything else I need to know about the anthology?”

“Well, any heat level is fine, but the finished novella must fall between 25,000 to 30,000 words.”

“What if the author goes too short or too long?”

“THEN I WILL SMITE THEM DOWN!”

“Oh, my.”

“Ahem. I mean, they just won’t be considered. Anyway, you can find out more about cyberpunk at this wikipedia page. Er, unless Keith Melton gets to it first and changes it to say that cyberpunk is an animatronic Fonzie.”

*Guilty*

“I think this is going to be a great anthology.”

“You know, Sasha, I think that’s the proper place for an exclamation point—”

“No.”

…

“Can we do splits then?”

“Oh, very well.”

And so they all did splits.

The End.

For more information on Sasha Knight’s cyberpunk anthology, go to the Samhain website and be sure to follow our editing ninja on Twitter.

Notes from the creative director:
1) Sasha may or may not be Shera, Princess of Power, but she is pretty damn awesome, like whoa.
2) Vivian Arend is a lovely mermaid, but she’s a better writer.
3) Donna is not a redhead, but Kim Possible captures her spirit.
4) Bree stole my top.
5) Keith Melton is a total diva when he’s modeling.
6) Yes. Alisha kept her dolls action figures, from the eighties. Stop judging!

Alisha Runs Amok, Alisha v. Keith, Awesomesauce, Book Release, Editors!, Writer Stuff Alisha Plays with Dolls, Cyberpunk is the new black, Editing ninja, I love Sasha, Keith is a Monkey who destroys tags for no reason

This has been a busy busy month for the Ninjacredible (Websters: Ninjacredible (adj.): a Ninja with mad writing skillz) writing team of Moira Rogers. Samhain is being kind enough to give one of their books away for FREE (more on that later) right on the heels of their latest release Sanctuary Unbound, perfect for the discerning reader who is sick of vampires who dress in black satin and live in a crumbling castle. The hero, Adam, is a VAMPIRE LUMBERJACK. Y’all know y’all wanna read about a vampire in flannel. Yeah, I just channeled Southern Donna there. Where are my grits!

Er, the book.

That’s obviously not the cover. Oh, but FLANNEL. I likes flannel. Oh, here it is:

No. No. That’s not it either. That looks like the graphic for the infamous contest Bree and Donna ran on their blog (they are always giving stuff away, those crazy kids). That’s…that’s a nice back on that lumberjack. And that erection log he’s carrying ain’t bad either.

What were we talking about? BLAST YOU BREE! Stop creating sexy shiny images. You know the shiny is all it takes to distract me . Okay, here’s the real cover, with an equally sexy Adam nom noming his lady’s neck.

New England is ideal for vampire Adam Dubois. His cozy home in the Great North Woods reminds him of a happier time when werewolves and witches were stuff of legends, and he was a simple lumberjack.

Hiding from past failures has worked for over eighty years, but a life debt owed to the Red Rock alpha has forced him to leave his retreat–and come face to face with a woman who challenges and tempts him on every level.

Hiding secrets is a lonely business, and Cindy Shepherd is lonely with a capital L. Red Rock isn’t exactly crawling with available men, but her interest in the mystery-shrouded new vampire in town seems mutual. After all, it’s only sex–there’s no danger he’ll dig deep enough to unleash the demons of her past.

Casual flirtation turns deadly serious when Adam discovers that the vampire plaguing Red Rock is using his mistakes as a road map. When it comes to his life, he knows Cindy has his back. But in order to secure the future, they both must trust each other with more–even if it means sacrificing themselves to save everything they hold dear.

OMG, what happens next? Well, I know. You should read and find out. Then we can form the cool kids club.

As they say on the infomercials, though, BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. Because, for a limited time, the very first book of the Red Rock Pass series, Cry Sanctuary, is free for download at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Best part? You don’t need a Kindle or a Nook to read these freebies. Kindle has free downloads to read Kindle books pretty much on any device ever created, including your computer.

So no excuses now, right? Go give Cry Sanctuary a try for free, and then work your way up this awesome series to Sanctuary Unbound. I am mad jealous of those of you who are just starting these books…so many hours of reading fun!

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This is a Ninjatastic week. (Websters: Ninjatastic (adj.): a description of unthinkable excitement relating to Scribbling Ninjas, Ninjas in general, or llamas.)

Not only is my birthday this weekend–and Keith, I’d appreciate a nice bow on top of your notarized statement retracting all insults toward me–but 3/4 of the Ninjas are celebrating a release!

I am certain fate had a hand in this crazy random happenstance because my Veiled Seduction and Moira Roger’s Sanctuary Unbound share more than just a release date. They also feature DIKS.

Dirty In Kitchen Sex.

That’s not too surprising though. I mean, really, is there any place in the house sexier than the kitchen? I mean, just try to tell me you don’t see it…

Taking 6 wieners at once = srs business.

That kettle is totes waiting his turn.

WHAT? What. I didn’t even say anything!

Of course, I won’t even mention the faucets. I mean, it’s impossible for a gleaming, curved, strong, hard faucet NOT to be sexy…AHHHHHH!

OMGWTFBBQ, that thing isn’t coming anywhere near my cherries!

Sorry, sorry, didn’t mean to judge. Maybe I’m not exotic enough for that dude.

In any case, if you still aren’t convinced of the awesome sexiness of a kitchen?

Teabagging. Heh.

There you have it folks. Now don’t you want to read about dirty vampire lumberjacks and sexy cops and their spatulas of lurv? Yeah. I thought so.

Find out more about Alisha Rai’s Veiled Seduction and Moira Rogers Sanctuary Unbound!

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I’ve always wanted to have my own advice column, mostly because my name starts with A and I feel like that’s some good alliteration goin’ on. Oh, and I give good advice. Let’s get to the questions!

Q: Ok, if you had to choose between becoming a gargoyle or a werebeaver, which do you pick and why?

A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. I refuse to be stumped on the first one out of the gate, though, so lets think it through.

“Were” implies I can shift out of beaver form, which means I could be human part of the time, and I kinda like being human. However, I would have to be a beaver a lot too. Beavers aren’t exactly the sexiest creatures, are they? I mean, it’s not like I’d be a werejaguar or a weresnowleapord, or even something cute like a werechipmunk. Plus, Vivian Arend claims that people in Canada run around with something called Beaver Fever and I would so hate to catch that.

On the other hand, gargoyles are made of stone. They are cute though, in that souglyitsadorable way.

So the choice really boils to that age old question of heels vs. flats: do I want to be uncomfortable and frozen but look kind of interesting or do I want to be mobile and a beaver?

I’ll go with the werebeaver, despite it’s lack of sexiness. I will put a bow on my head in beaver form to make up for it.

Q: I’ve been thinking of writing my own romance novel. Why do you do it?

A: Awww, cause I wuv WUV! I love Happily Ever Afters and larger than life heroes and heroines who aren’t stupid and flimsy. Deep down–okay, not so deep down–I am a heaping, mushy ball of sentimental GOO.

When I started writing, I did it so I could have an outlet for all that goo. I’ve always been a daydreamer and I liked to spin stories, so ideas aren’t usually a problem. That’s not enough though. I think you also need to genuinely like the craft of writing, you have to like working on grammar and spotting plot holes and figuring out how to make it so other people actually understand the scene that’s in your brain.

There’s hundreds of other reasons to become an author (and probably even more not to). You have to love it hard core to do it, because there are a lot of things that can drive you crazy. I believe it was fellow ninja Bree who once told me something like whenever someone says to her: “I’m not sure if I want to be a writer…”, the answer is usually that they don’t.

Yeah, Bree, I memorize our conversations. I’m the bestest friend EVA!

Q: What does a dramallama look like, and can you convince Keith Melton to draw one?

A: For those who are unaware, “drama-llama” is quite similar to a “drama-mama,” however the “llama” refers to a dramatic brouhaha whereas the “mama” refers to a rather dramatic individual, usually of female persuasion.

And if you think Keith actually NEEDS persuasion to use his paint tool to draw something stupid and/or fictional, you ain’t been around for long. Keith, your fans await.

Got a question for Alisha? Srs or wacky, she’s all ears! Send your questions to alishawrites@gmail.com or @ her on twitter.com/alisharai .

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You’re welcome.

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