Mari Fee is a trooper. It seems like years ago that I lured her into doing an interview for the Scribbling Ninjas blog. She (unsuspecting and innocent) said yes. We did the interview—see below. I (unsuspecting and innocent) asked her what she wanted for her MS Paint artwork. Oh nothing much, she assured me. Just a steampunk octopus fighting bears with archeology tools while wearing boots on an airship…

Yeah. Not exactly simple.

It took me forever to finish drawing this. I kept pushing it back. I’d work on it a little, get frustrated because it sucked, and tried to pretend it didn’t exist. Tried to pretend Mari Fee didn’t exist. Suffered guilt. Couldn’t sleep. Starting drinking. I mean, starting drinking more. Life became exceedingly busy. I had edits to do. I had to shave my cat. I had to buy a barbeque. And THEN assemble it. It was easy to put off drawing that thrice-accursed airship. The airship that mocks me, even now, with its uninspired mediocrity, cementing in my mind forever the fact that I will always be a substandard MS Paint artist, and even angry bears cannot save the entire work from reeking of the banal.

 

But aside from that, everything’s peachy. Please read on and enjoy the interview with the wonderful Mari Fee. Info on her novella follows the interview. And you should seriously consider picking it up, because it’s good stuff.

 

Anyway, here’s the art. Don’t judge me. I’ve done that enough for the both of us.

(It’s a bit huge. Too large for this template. I’d click to see it in better detail.)

And here is a closer shot of the octopus and bears. Just because.

Keith Melton: (loaded question alert!) First off, why steampunk?

Mari Fee: Why not steampunk? Do you have something against it? :( Steampunk likes you, you know.

Keith: I have nothing against it. Steampunk and me—we go waaaay back. At least six months. Which is 10,000,000 times my usual attention span. So anyway, will you be writing more steampunk? What do we have to look forward to?

Mari Fee: I have plans for a steampunk-archaeology mash-up in Egypt, with airships and archaeologists and hieroglyphics and possibly mules. It’s not quite ready to start writing yet, though. But when it is, it will be glorious.

Keith: Do you own custom goggles? (I was going to ask about corsets, but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know how uncomfortable I get when people ask about my custom corsets…)

Mari Fee: My fiancé courted me by buying me a pair of mass produced welder’s goggles from a gas station. <3 As for custom corsets, I’m rather envious that you have one and I don’t. So is the fiancé.

Keith: When did you start reading steampunk? Do you remember your first contact with the genre?

Mari Fee: Oddly enough, I do! About 10 years ago I picked up this totally rad book by Martha Wells called Death of the Necromancer, and it turned out to be a pseudo-Victorian fantasy mystery adventure with dead fairies and pistols and explosions. TOTALLY AWESOME.

Other than that, I grew up with a well-thumbed copy of Journey to the Centre of the Earth and the complete Sherlock Holmes. Gotta have the basics.

Keith: Did you light something on fire when you received your Bluebeard’s Machine contract offer?

Mari Fee: No, although my fiancé did offer to buy fireworks. Basically anything is an excuse for fireworks.

Keith: You tend to write shorter stories, by your own admission. Do you have any plans to go novel length?

Mari Fee: Lots of words is scary! I’m having to retrain my brain to think in longer plots – my first instinct is tight and tidy stories. Chips and beer help sustain the imagination when the going gets tough – so yes, I’m currently attempting something novel length. So far it’s longer than Bluebeard’s Machine, which I count as a win.

Read more…

Keith Melton Interviews People, Keith Uses Paint, Wicked Awesome angry bears, Bluebeard's Machine, Mari Fee, steampunk, steampunk octopus

Once upon a time I was interviewed by the notorious Meankitty, “owned” by author Jody Wallace. Now the hour for payback is upon us! Also, ’tis the hour of bad Microsoft Paint pictures of Jody Wallace and Meankitty laying out some hardcore smackdown on a bunch of flesh-eating gnomes…

 

Keith Melton: So we meet again, Meankitty. Alas, this time it is I who holds the microphone and the pictures of your wild catnip crazed nights in Vegas. So let’s just cut to the chase. Interview subjects. Which do you prefer? Humans, dogs, cats, or piranhas?

Meankitty: Cats. No contest. Sometimes dogs try to get uppity with me and I have to bring out the claw. Speaking of uppity, and hippity hoppity, we’re about to interview a rabbit. That should be interesting.

KM: That would make a good title for your autobiography, actually. “Meankitty: Bringing Out The Claw.”

And I’ve heard rumors of this upcoming rabbit interview. Apparently the bunny in question claims to be a servant of the Prince of Darkness. Who knew?

But moving on…please take a moment and list the indignities and day-to-day humiliations you suffer as a result of being owned by a human with a writing career. Don’t hold back. Let it all out. Is that a tear I see? I sense some large-scale pathos on the way…

Meankitty: Just five minutes ago, I saw her pushing Big D out of the way because the LAPTOP was in her lap. This happens far too often. In fact, I have no need to be in her lap until the LAPTOP makes an appearance. Or when she’s sick to her stomach or suffering from some kind of hot flash. Then I like to press my sultry, furry self up against her and make things worse. Oh, and sometimes when I have cold feet. As for the rest, she hired Food Slave (the man human) to tend our culinary and litterbox needs so we’re okay there. I say “hired” but I think the humans call it “married”. I don’t try to argue semantics with the fur challenged.

KM: Probably wise. Our five dedicated readers would like to know: Do you chase mice…or do mice chase you?

Meankitty: No mice have the ability to chase in this house. We run a clean operation. As for other mice, see below.

KM: Cat toys? Blissful objects of feline joy, or crass plastic exploitation manufactured in China?

Meankitty: It depends on the toy. I’m particularly fond of small fake mice and any precious small objects that are not exactly cat toys but which the mini humans love. Either way, they ALL go under the couch and stove. I also like to bat food crumbs under there. I was solely responsible for the Great Weevil Infestation of 2009. Meeeee-ow, was that ever hilarious! Freaking-out humans are laughtastic.

KM: I recently read a rumor (which may have been started by a certain demonic bunny) that you lick yourself. Truth or Libel?

Meankitty: Of course I do. I’m delicious!

KM: That may actually qualify as the Best Answer Ever To An Inappropriate Question.

So are you as “mean” as your title implies? Or are you just tragically misunderstood?

Meankitty: Yes and no.

KM: Ah, scintillating. I’m curious. What’s the question you’ve always wanted to ask but have never been asked because you’re a cat, and people generally don’t ask cats about their opinions? Feel free to answer that question here.

Meankitty: The answer is, “Because they’re pink inside.” HAHAHAHAHA! Am I right or am I right?

KM: Do you fear the coming Typing Slave Revolution? Do you ever bite the hand that feeds? LOL Cats, love ‘em or hate ‘em? And lastly, do you sing?

Meankitty: Typing Slave’s only revolution is when she gave up coffee for tea. The woman is not the revolution type. Most cat staff aren’t. We select them that way carefully.

No, I don’t bite the hand that feeds me. That’s a beginner’s tactic. Sometimes Big D does but he’s dumber than I am.

LOL Cats are spelling challenged. But they sure make a lot more money than we do. I would love to make that kind of money, but I would not love to have that many ads on my website or do that much work. Could there BE more sites in the Cheezburger network? I mean, seriously. Sure the contributors and commenters provide most of the entertainment, but still.

No, I do not sing. I am more of a dancer.

KM: Okay, our sincere thanks to Meankitty for allowing us into the exciting world of Cats on the Internet. Now we turn to interview Meankitty’s professional cat wrangler and author, Jody Wallace, aka Ellie Marvel, aka MK’s Typing Slave. First question: do you feel a compulsive need to correct grammar errors? Is this a consequence of your time spent as a college English instructor?

Jody Wallace: I restrain myself more than I used to since I don’t get paid to do it anymore but the urge burns inside me like the yearning for coffee after several months of caffeine free tea.

KM: You have creepy pictures of gnomes on your website. Do these gnomes exist in your general vicinity? And how can you walk through your yard in peace knowing there are creepy gnomes peeking at you?

Jody Wallace: Gnomes do exist everywhere, but my yard is protected. I invested in gnome-pel, I have Meankitty, and I know for a fact the gnome statues I own will not reanimate in the presence of magic. In fact, like the statues Jake’s grandfather Pap creates (from Survival of the Fairest), they ward off the REALLY dangerous creatures of the paranormal underworld.

Question for readers: is your yard protected? Are you prepared? One thing to beware of is the tiny, buzzing grrrrrrrrr gnomes make right before the attack. Another is the gleam in their eyes that can be mistaken as harmless dewdrops or some shit like that. Plus they smell like carrion. You catch a whiff of that? Don’t look around for the roadkill, just run.

KM: Well, I know I’m prepared. I wear chainmail socks and I installed strands of electrified razor wire around the flowerbeds…

Follow up question: will the world ever learn the truth about gnomes? Forget the zombies, what about the Gnome Apocalypse?

http://blog.jodywallace.com/2010/04/snippet-saturday-eerie-and-scary.html

Jody Wallace: It’s not like I’m not putting the information out there. What the world chooses to do with it–like ignore me totally–is their mistake. If you don’t want to be on the losing side, watch your back, and invest in some high quality waders.

KM: Tell us about your newest book release.

Jody Wallace: I assume you mean something currently on the shelves. Alas, I can’t remember that far back. Ok, I had a contemporary romance come out in December 2009 as Ellie Marvel called “What She Deserves” — a high school reunion story with insufficient cats or gnomes. But people seem to like it. I hope that’s not a reflection of how much they don’t like cats and gnomes.

KM: I realize that Survival of the Fairest has flesh-eating gnomes (which should make it an auto-buy for any reader of this blog), but do you ever plan on writing a romance about gnomes? I’m sure they have some stories to tell…

Aside to our readers

(You can find Survival of the Fairest and other Jody Wallace books here: http://samhainpublishing.com/authors/jody-wallace )

Jody Wallace: Gnomes don’t reproduce in a way that human readers would consider romantic, considering it involves turning to stone, shattering themselves into pieces and waiting for those pieces to reform into baby gnomes, aka skitters. That’s why, during a gnome infestation, you really have to stomp the bits into dust. Can’t have heads and limbs rolling around intact. They will literally come back to bite you in the ass.

With that in mind, I’d have to say their potential as romance novel protagonists is limited. Hm. Maybe children’s stories, you think?

KM: Honestly, I had NO IDEA about the details of gnome reproduction. Fascinating…and yet entirely disturbing.

But on with our questions!

Do you prefer to work from tight outlines or are you a pantser?

Jody Wallace: I like my pants. Sometimes they get set on fire. By the HOTNESS, of course.

KM: That only happens to me when I’m running the barbeque.

Moving on…

So, what are your favorite types of stories? Any favorite themes or tropes or character archetypes?

Jody Wallace: Reworked fairy tales are a joy. Favorite themes would be best friends who become better friends, HUBBA HUBBA, women who can rescue themselves but let the men help so they’ll feel manly, men who realize women can rescue themselves but go ahead and help so she won’t be too exhausted afterwards to have sex, and apocalyptic stuff that isn’t entirely bleak. Well, to be honest, I’m not drawn to anything that’s bleak. Except the publishing industry, and opinions on that are wildly varied.

KM: You crochet, which I’m told is completely different from knitting, sewing, or pottery. You also crochet some extremely awesome things. Here’s an example:

And some more can be found here:

http://blog.jodywallace.com/2009/03/happy-st-patricks-day.html

http://blog.jodywallace.com/2010/08/skip-your-coffee-for-good-cause.html

Do you work from a pattern? Do you create these designs on your own? Do you sell these things?

Jody Wallace: I work mostly from patterns. I’m actually not very good. I mess up a lot and try to send my stuff to people who don’t crochet themselves; that way they won’t notice my lack of skillz. I do not sell anything for money. I prefer other kinds of payment. Praise, adoration, back scratching, free meals, that sort of thing. 

Keith’s Lazy Question: What did you always want to be asked about in an interview that you’ve never been asked before? Feel free to answer that question here.

Jody Wallace: Yes, thanks! I’ll take it in cash.

Keith’s Rapid Fire Questions:

1.) Favorite musical artists and/or genres of music?

Jody Wallace: Faves are funk, trip hop, speed garage, some industrial, bluegrass, anything by They Might Be Giants except that one album, 80’s music because of the painful nostalgia, and Irish punk.

2.) Food you hate most? (If it’s not Jell-O, skip this question and/or lie.)

Jody Wallace: Jell-O with LIVER and bits of SOUSE MEAT in it. Not even Meankitty will eat souse meat.

KM: I had to look up souse meat…and I may never be the same. Souse meat is a substance that should be purged from the earth with FIRE!

FIRE, I SAY!

::pant, pant, pant::

Okay, on with the interview before I have to start the hard drinking to forget about souse meat…

3.) Would you rather go to outer space or deep under the ocean?

Jody Wallace: Deep under the ocean. Outer space is dicey since I’m still in hiding after that incident on Baranax Prime in Galactic Year 298744. Oh, wait, that’s a lie. The true answer is neither. I get sea and air sick too easily.

4) What would be your ideal vacation?

Jody Wallace: I think I just took it. DH and I went to Yellowstone with a gnome, a writer friend, her husband and no kids. I love my children, I really do, but I don’t think they’d have enjoyed Yellowstone at their ages. Too much waiting, not enough places to swim without getting boiled or frozen.

Another ideal part was I didn’t have to worry about the kids (or cats) because my sister stayed at our house with them. Bless her! I got to hear a lot of funny stories about how Meankitty tormented “Nanny Slave” in our absence. MK broke out the one paw, the midnight howl, the crazed bug chase and even invented a few new maneuvers. That Meankitty!

KM: What are you looking forward to the most in the coming year, career wise and life-in-general?

Jody Wallace: I have a novel due out with Samhain in February or March 2011 called One Thousand Kisses, the sequel to Survival of the Fairest. It’s full of cats and a few gnomes. Meankitty made me do it. I’m in edits right now, cutting 16,000 precious words you will NEVER get to SEE that are probably the best things I’ve ever written in my life. No, that’s the hick lit novel nobody wanted to buy. But these 16,000 words are damn good ones.

I’m also looking forward to August 2011 when my youngest starts kindergarten. FREEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMM! Only, I don’t think I’ll paint my face blue or get myself stabbed with a sword.

KM: I believe the general idea is to paint your face blue and stab other people with a sword, but who’s keeping track, right? ^_^

Thanks again to Jody Wallace and Meankitty for taking the time to join us today. Jody can be found on Twitter:

http://twitter.com/jodywallace

Jody’s books can be found here:

http://www.jodywallace.com/fiction1.htm

and Ellie Marvel’s books can be found here:

http://www.jodywallace.com/fiction2.htm

The notorious Meankitty and various amusing Meankitty interviews can be found here:

http://blog.jodywallace.com/

Drop by. Say hello. But whatever you do, don’t taunt Meankitty with anchovies…

Keith Melton Interviews People, Keith Uses Paint, Wicked Awesome, Writer Stuff flesh-eating gnomes, Jody Wallace, Meankitty

C’mon. You know you feel this way too when you get the whale…

It can’t just be me.

…

Right?

o_O

Bad Paint, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk, Wicked Awesome bombs, Fail Whale, kill this tag

This happened to me the other day. True story. I was minding my own business, rockin my hardcore writer swagger, when a (possibly psychotic) chainsaw unicorn attacked me with no provocation. I say “possibly psychotic” because it’s hard to evaluate the typical mental stateof a unicorn with a wonking chainsaw sticking out of its forehead.

It was pretty much exactly like The Texas Chainsaw Massacreonly with unicorns that fart rainbows, have chainsaws instead of horns, and get pissed if you tell them they’re only the result of delirium tremens.

…

…

And yeah, I’m just killin time, waiting until my next book release. That obvious, is it?

I should also mention on a more serious and dignified note that I’ve been interviewed over at the Reading on the Dark Side blog. The link is here: http://readingonthedarkside.blogspot.com/2010/09/interview-keith-melton.html

In the interview I briefly talk about two of my books coming out in 2011.

Keith Melton's Megalomaniacal Delusions, Keith Uses Paint, Wicked Awesome Chainsaw Unicorns, Keith Melton

I was going to use today to crush Keith Melton like the enemy he is, but I was reminded that love should come before war, and I love Alisha Rai. (This week.)

In honor of her latest print release, I am pleased to present to you the sister act (minus nuns) to my LOLcat Reviews:

THE ILLUSTRATED BLURB!

Want a chance to read Cabin Fever by Alisha Rai? Leave a comment telling her how TOTALLY AWESOME she is, and I’ll pick one winner next week to get a print copy of this latest Scribbling Ninja release!

Book Release, Bree For THE WIN, Illustrated Blurbs, Random Junk, Wicked Awesome alisha rai, hot men in cabins, i tag because i love, killing that tag will not save you from getting pwnd, sexual healing hands, witches rule wizards drool

Well, the judges pondered your many suggestions (or I might have closed my eyes and pointed at random) but the verdict is back, and only one man can bring the mutant awesome to this year’s birthday celebration.

The winner is Anna with this comment:

Happy Birthday to you…
Happy Birthday to you…
Happy Birthday Dear Alisha…
Happy Birthday To You!!!

I hope all you wishes come true and that you have a fabulous time on your special day.

I hope you enjoy my present…*psst…he’ll be your cake surprise* plus you won’t need any knives to cut the cake…he’s quite handy that way *wink*
http://host.trivialbeing.org/up/wolverine-feb27-empire-photo-2.jpg

Email me at bree@moirarogers.com to claim your book, Anna!

Bad Photoshop > Good Paint, Bree For THE WIN, Wicked Awesome birthday hijinks, needs more decoder ring, winners, wolverine and his other life

Reader Beware: This interview may contain Unapologetic Geek Speak. Proceed at your own risk.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Robyn Bachar to Scribbling Ninjas for one of our Special Interviews. You know the routine. I, your humble servant Keith Melton, ask insightful questions on various topics, and Robyn restrains herself from recommending I seek professional help.

Robyn Bachar’s first book with Samhain, BLOOD, SMOKE, AND MIRRORS (paranormal romance/urban fantasy) released on May 11. The excerpt, which can be found here: http://samhainpublishing.com/excerpt/blood-smoke-and-mirrors hooked me at once, and the book itself is quite excellent.

In addition to being an author, Robyn is also a Professional Hardcore Role Playing Gamer, veteran of a great many epic campaigns, and she slings dice ranging from d4 to d20.

 

According to rumor, Robyn may have a bit of an Evil God Complex when performing the duties of Dungeon Master. However, we at Scribbling Ninjas feel certain this is just vicious gossip.

BEHOLD, THE INTERVIEW

Keith: Thanks for joining us today Robyn. I don’t regret the huge bribe I had to pay your publicist at all. In fact, when we learned you were rescheduling a Today Show appearance to do an interview with us, a few of the Scribbling Ninjas might have squealed like hamsters trapped in a clothes dryer.

So anyway, tell us a little about where the idea for BLOOD, SMOKE, AND MIRRORS originated.

Robyn Bachar: In the beginning, I didn’t have an idea. I had 30 days of NaNoWriMo ahead of me and all I knew was that I wanted to write something…something with vampires and faeries, and it would be awesome. As inspiration I started by reworking an idea I’d used in a short story I’d written with college, and the rest started to fall into place from there.

Keith: Do you prefer to outline or to seat-of-the-pants it when writing?

Robyn Bachar: I was a pantser, but now I’m a plotter. Every time I’d start a story with only an idea I would hit a wall at around 30k words, without fail. Then I’d let it sit for a while, and eventually the story would join the others in the cemetery of great ideas on my hard drive. Now I’m all about outlines, GMC charts, character questionnaires, the whole 9 yards.

Keith: Do you feel your familiarity with Role Playing Games, video games, and sci-fi/fantasy fiction and movies helps or influences your writing in any way? If so, how?

Robyn Bachar: Yes. If anything it’s made me more determined to do it my way, because I’ve played too many games where I hated the ending. Also, I always put a lot of time and effort into creating backgrounds for my characters—origin stories, essentially—and it frustrated me when those characters didn’t get a satisfactory story in the game. My dice are cursed. No, seriously, they hate me. I can never make an important roll, and finally I got to a point where I decided I’d rather write my own stories instead of watching my character shoot herself in the foot with an arrow because I rolled another 1.

Keith: Do you ever write shorter fiction? Do you prefer novel length, shorter fiction, or have no preference?

Robyn Bachar: I prefer novel length, but I’m trying to work on shorter pieces that’ll be quick, fun reads. My brain is wired for epic, though, so every time I think “oh this will be short” it ends up 100k words long.

Keith: Is BLOOD, SMOKE, AND MIRRORS part of a larger series? Will there be more tales taking place in this world you’ve created?

Robyn the Hopeful: I’m planning on a series, and I’ve been working on more. My editor has the second book now. (And let me tell ya, the suspense of “OMG DOES SHE LIKE IT???!!!” is making me crazy. Crazier.)

Keith: I really like heroine Catherine Baker. She has a great character voice and I also like that she’s busting her ass as a waitress in the beginning of the story. She’s described thusly:

“…I look as threatening as a grade-school librarian. I’m on the overweight side, I wear glasses, and my mouse-brown hair is most often pulled back into a messy braid or ponytail. My wardrobe consists of T-shirts, blue jeans, and unintimidating white running shoes.”

Since some of the heroines in PNR/UF are inexplicably supermodel beautiful and perversely talented, effortlessly loved by all, did you hesitate at all to write against the grain? (And props for doing so, by the way.) Was this a conscious decision to write against the Beautiful Rich Adored People cliché, or just how you “saw” your character?

Robyn Bachar: I love Cat, she’s a lot of fun to write. Are there a lot of supermodel PNR/UF heroines? It seems like most of the ones I remember are pretty but don’t think they are, like Cinderella waiting for the ball. Though Cat does have her Cinderella moments in the book, I wanted her to be average in some ways. She may wear comfy shoes, but she can kick butt with them. Plus I wanted to emphasize the idea that anyone can secretly be a magician in my setting, even the waitress pouring your coffee.

Keith clarifies: To be fair, I was really just thinking of one Big Name heroine in particular, who has annoyed me with her antics more than once in recent history. I shall punish myself for asking hyperbolic and sloppy questions later. Moving on…

Keith the Fan: As a Red Sox fan, I feel much empathy and sympathy for you Cubs fans and the Curse. So, after learning you have some repressed antipathy toward the White Sox…feel free to use this space to get in touch with your true, deep, inner feelings about the White Sox.

Robyn Bachar: Oh, it’s not repressed. I hate the White Sox. The easiest way to spot a bad guy in my writing is if they’re a Sox fan. I was born a Cubs fan—you really have to be, because if you’re waiting for a World Series bandwagon to come by for the Cubs, you’ll be waiting until Hell freezes over. But that’s okay. Even if it’s “wait ’til next year” each Fall, when Spring comes it’s “next year is here!”

Keith: Who would win a fight between Frodo and Willow on a narrow walkway over the Sarlacc and the Great Pit of Carkoon?

Robyn Bachar: If it’s Willow from the fantasy movie of the same name, then I’d pick Frodo, provided he’s not having an emo moment of “oh noes, teh ring is attacking me!” Now, if it’s Willow from Buffy, then clearly Willow wins and Frodo is Sarlacc food.

Keith: Hmm. Honestly, I forgot about Willow from Buffy. Although Frodo packs a sword he used against a giant spider. Since Bree of the Moira Rogers team hates spiders, I think all of us on this blog are contractually obligated to cheer for people who fight giant spiders. So I’m changing your answer to Frodo, just so you can get this question right.

No worries! Chin up! All for the best, eh?

Keith (continued): Do you have any inspiring words for new writers trying to break into the market?

Robyn Bachar: First, finish your book. Second, don’t be afraid to submit it, but for the love of all that’s holy, follow the publisher’s submission guidelines. Don’t be the guy who thinks it’s a brilliant idea to call the editor and read his manuscript to the editor’s voicemail. No one wants to be that guy, because editors will mock you over Twitter and at conferences.

Keith the Rhetorical: Let’s just say, hypothetically, that a certain writer decided to write an entire novel one month before her wedding. In your opinion, would said writer be mildly crazy, genuinely insane, or completely barking mad?

Robyn Bachar: That author is brilliant! And, to be fair, to win NaNoWriMo you have to get to 50k words in a month, and that’s not an entire novel. At least it wasn’t the entirety of, hypothetically, BLOOD, SMOKE AND MIRRORS. That only gets you through Part One of the story.

Keith: Are you an English Major? If so, explain to me why people like us don’t make more money. I mean, I can talk about feminism in Alcott’s Little Women for HOURS. Is that not worth millions in salary, oh cruel world? (cue violins and uncontrolled sobbing)

Robyn Bachar, UIUC alumni: Yes, I am an English Major, and when someone asks me what an English Major does with their degree, I tell them you ask people “Doth thou want fries with that?” Literary criticism is an undervalued skill. Though it did come in handy at my former day job as an editor of college-level textbooks.

Keith: Is it true that RWA holds gladiator-style deathmatches to determine their finalists? If so, what weapons do you favor in your Battle Royale?

Robyn Bachar: What’s the first rule of RWA fight club? You do not talk about RWA fight club. What’s the second rule of RWA fight club? You do not talk about RWA fight club!

Keith: Vampires. Should they sparkle? Should they only sparkle if they’re doused with white phosphorus and impaled with fireworks conveniently known as “sparklers?”

Robyn Bachar: I have no public opinion about sparkly vampires. Because I’m scared of Twihards.

Keith: A very safe answer and well played. Next question. As a crafter of stories, is plot more important to you or character development? Or some mixture/ratio of both?

Robyn Bachar: I think I tend to concentrate on plot more, just because I like to write epic throwdowns where stuff is on fire and “Duel of the Fates” is playing in the background. Well technically I don’t like writing fight scenes, but I like having them in my stories. I suffer through writing them with the help of my friend Sam Adams. Character development is important, especially if it means making your characters suffer, because that’s always fun.

Keith: How does one become a Dungeon Master? Must one assassinate the previous DM with a +2 poisoned blade?

DM Robyn: Occasionally. Usually the former Dungeon Master says, “Dude, I don’t want to run anymore, someone else run.” And thus the mantle of responsibility is passed on to the next victim. Either that or someone says, “Dude, I have this great idea for an adventure! It has ninjas!” and the DM lets them run it.

Keith: Stupid interview questions? Love them, or hate them with the searing heat of a million supernovas?

Robyn Bachar: Well I could be all Zen about it and say, “There are no stupid interview questions. Only stupid interview answers.” Mostly I feel that wacky interview questions are more interesting than the standard “So how did you become a writer?”

Keith the Abused: Speaking of stupid questions…Bree of the writing duo Moira Rogers commanded me to ask you a gaming/RPG/dice related question. When I wrote back begging for specifics or, at least, more clarity, she shrieked, “Suck it up and figure it out, noobcake!” and flounced away.

So feel free to answer her vague gaming/RPG/dice related question here:

Robyn Bachar: Hmm. Technically there’s no question there—

Keith Interrupts: I know. How awesomely clever is that?

Robyn Bachar (continues):—so I’ll just say that I prefer playing tanks over casters, and I hate being the healer. For tabletop I’ve played D&D and the old school Star Wars d6 system. What I learned from D&D is that if you’re planning on going to Waterdeep and some mysterious stranger approaches your party and offers you a job, kill him. Immediately. Because otherwise you’ll never, ever get to Waterdeep.

Keith Momma’s Boy: Tell your readers how awesome your mother is, seeing as she forwarded your manuscript to everyone in her address book. (That’s maternal love and pride, right there.) Also, I’m writing this question on Mother’s Day. Divine Coincidence or Eternal Fate?

Robyn Bachar: Yeah, her excuse was, “I was so proud of you, I wanted to share.” With everyone on the Intarwebs. And it was only half of the first draft, which was really terrible because I hadn’t done much editing to it at that point. For months after that every time I ran into relatives and family friends they’d tell me “Oh I read your story!” Fail. Thankfully now she’s using her social powers for good. I gave her a brick o’ rack cards to hand out to promote BLOOD, SMOKE AND MIRRORS. My favorite story thus far involved my mother giving the cards to people on the L on the way home from a Cubs game. Thanks, Ma!

Anti-Elvish Keith: I recently read on your blog a post that started off quite awesome, delving into Monster Manuals and discussing development and design of various creatures for worldbuilding purposes—and then it careened off the road into chaos and wrongness when you talked about Elves. I don’t like Elves. They are arrogant. They sing too much. They are arrogant. They hate dwarves. And did I mention they’re preening arrogant bastards?

Would you like to apologize here to your adoring public for encouraging Elves to revolt and buy machine guns? Or would you prefer to apologize on your blog?

Robyn “I <3 Elves” Bachar: Dude. Elves with guns. I stand by the idea that this is awesome. Elves are only dwarf haters because the dwarves won’t share their shotguns. My night elf hunter in World of Warcraft has a shotgun, and it makes her happy—at least I assume that’s what the gratuitous bouncing is all about, maybe she just needs to pee. And they’re not all arrogant. Whiny, yes, but not arrogant. You know you want to join the revolution.

Keith the Innocent: Take a moment and tell our readers how much you hate me for running amok through your interview indulging my overweening ego and my need to constantly refer to myself when the spotlight should be on you.

Robyn Bachar: This answer was brought to you by BLOOD VICE, now available in print from Samhain Publishing. BLOOD VICE is  Samhain Duckie approved. (Did I mention that I got BLOOD VICE for Christmas from my sister-in-law? And that I almost didn’t get it because she started reading it and didn’t want to part with it?)

Keith: Ha! Your sister-in-law is my new favorite person in the world. A million thanks, and I didn’t even have to pay you to say that stuff. ::Keith quickly hides bribe money::

Keith’s Lazy Question: What did you always want to be asked about in an interview that you’ve never been asked before? Feel free to answer that question here.

Robyn Bachar: “Robyn, would you like to accompany the TAPS team on an investigation for Ghost Hunters?” OMG YES! It’s my favorite show. I own every season on DVD, and I’ve read their books, and…I’ll stop now before I geek out too much.

Keith’s Rapid Fire Questions:

1.) Favorite musical artists and/or genres of music?

 

Robyn Bachar: My playlist is so weird, you wouldn’t believe it. All time favorite is Sarah McLachlan, but I also like P!nk, Paramore, Evanescence, Lady Gaga, the Beatles, the Beach Boys, Enya, Loreena McKennitt, and more weird combinations that make me wonder why iTunes thinks it’s okay to go from Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” to My Chemical Romance’s “Mama”.

2.) Food you hate most? (If it’s not Jell-O, skip this question.)

 

Robyn Bachar: It is Jell-O, how did you know that? Second would be pickles.

3.) Would you rather go to outer space or deep under the ocean OR Newark, New Jersey?

Robyn Bachar: Right now I’m going to have to go with deep under the ocean, because I just finished watching SeaQuest on Netflix. I loved that show.

Keith’s Last Question: The Future of Publishing—does it look bright, or does it come to an end alongside everything else in 2012?

Robyn Bachar: The future’s so bright, it’s gotta wear shades.

Keith Translates: Obviously, the previous statement was Robyn’s code for We’re All Gonna Die In A Nuclear Inferno That Melts Our Eyes!

My sincere thanks to Robyn Bachar for tolerating us here at Scribbling Ninjas. Now go read her book and wallow in the awesomeness of witches, guardians, the fae, and (I’m quoting this cuz it’s awesome) “gratuitous violence against vampires”! I’m including a buy link and blurb right after I list all the new things I learned today.

What Keith Learned:

1. NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. A period of time so sacred to a writer he/she will ignore trivial events (such as weddings and so forth) to hit a specified word count.

2. Pansters can be rehabilitated.

3. Due to a potential curse, Robyn should never be encouraged to go to Vegas and roll the dice.

4. Robyn writes 100,000 word short stories to warm up for her “long” work.

5. In Robyn’s world, Sauron was a White Sox fan. So was Darth Vader. However, Hannibal Lecter most likely cheered for the Yankees.

6. Editors love for authors to read 100,000 word novels to them over voicemail. In fact, voicemail should be extended to 17 hours worth of recording time to accommodate this.

7. Don’t offend Twilight fans or they will chew off your kneecaps.

8. Elves should hurry up and get their emo, arrogant asses off to the Havens already.

Even a bad witch deserves a second chance.

Wrongly accused of using her magic to harm, the closest Catherine Baker comes to helping others is serving their coffee. Life as an outcast is nothing new, thanks to her father’s reputation, but the injustice stings. Especially since the man she loved turned her in.

Now the man has the gall to show up and suggest she become the next Titania? She’d rather wipe that charming grin off his face with a pot of hot java to the groin.

Alexander Duquesne has never faltered in his duties as a guardian—until now. The lingering guilt over Cat’s exile and the recent death of his best friend have shaken his dedication. With the murder of the old Titania, the faerie realm teeters on the brink of chaos. His new orders: keep Cat alive at all costs.

Hunted by a powerful stranger intent on drawing her into an evil web, Cat reluctantly accepts Lex’s protection and the resurrected desire that comes along with it. Lex faces the fight of his life to keep her safe…and win her back. If they both survive.

Warning: This book contains one tough and snarky witch, one gorgeous guardian, explicit blood drinking, magician sex, gratuitous violence against vampires and troublemaking Shakespearean faeries.

Buy Link: http://www.mybookstoreandmore.com/blood-smoke-mirrors-p-5601.html

Robyn Bachar’s Website: http://robynbachar.com/

Keith Melton Interviews People, Keith Uses Paint, Wicked Awesome Blood Smoke and Mirrors, fae, mages, Robyn Bachar, vampires

Hold the phone, ladies and gentlemen—we have some late entries to the Vampire Lumberjack contest. Now technically, these do not qualify for the prize, since they were submitted by Persons Completely Ineligible. I’ve decided to post them in the interest of sharing the magnitude of their poetic greatness with you.

The first comes to us from wunderkind Alisha Rai.

I’m A Little Vampire 

 

I’m a little vampire,

Sparkly and stout,

Here are my fangs,

Here is my trout,

When I get all hungry

You better watch out!

Lumberjack vamps have all the clout!

*** 

Let’s just turn our critical eye to her verse, shall we? We start off strong, but then the poem completely screws the pooch with the inclusion of the dread word “sparkly.” It has already been widely established here that vampires should only sparkle if they’re trapped in an industrial shredder with a bunch of glass shards and glitter. So there’s that. Moving on.

Next up we have a line about fangs. Fangs, always a popular (and some would say necessary) attribute with vampires. And then…cataclysmic failure. The mind boggles at the inclusion of a troutin the poem. However, after peeling back the dense layers and using out cryptic powers of interpretation, the term trout is used here by Alisha Rai as an obscure metaphor for male genitalia. This can be considered either flat out brilliant or blinking insane, your choice.

We reach the poem’s climax (no thanks to the trout) with the last three lines: bloodlust, gothic threats, and a bold boast which seems to salute the socio-political-economic significance of lumberjack vampires, but is cleverly played by Rai with an ironic undertone chipping away at the pillars of their so-called “clout.”

The next poem by Donna (the bad cop of the Moira Rogers detective team) was automatically disqualified with extreme prejudice due to its title: AN ODE TO LIZARDS with the questionable subtitle: A Gila Monster Love Story, and had absolutely nothing to do with either lumberjacks or vampires.

Our final hidden entry by Bree (the other bad cop of the Moira Rogers detective team) actually stuck to the subject at hand.

Lumberjackin’ Dirty 

 

They see me strollin’

They hatin’

Lumberjackin’

And tryin to catch me sawin’ dirty

Tryin to catch me fellin’ dirty

Tryin to catch me choppin’ dirty

Tryin to catch me swingin’ dirty

Tryin to catch me hackin’ dirty

My theme song so loud

I’m swingin’

They hopin’

Tryin’ to catch me choppin’ dirty

I been bitin’ and drinkin’ and fellin’ trees

Cuz a vampire can’t focus,

I gotta get to my shack ‘fore po-pos scope

This big ole axe handle hangin’ ‘tween my knees.

They tryin to catch me swingin’ dirty

They tryin to catch me choppin’ dirty

Misanthropic vampires, yo!

That’s how we muthachoppin’ roll, dogs.

 ***

As you can see, Bree’s entry is catchy. Very catchy, even if it does contain some questionable rhythm and rhymes. However, if you blast it from your speakers at any family gathering you’ll automatically endear yourself to all your Maine and/or Oregon timber industry connected relatives. Also, Bree earns points for not including anything related to sparkles or trout.

There you have it folks. Like TMZ, I bring you all the dirt—or in this case, all the hidden lumberjack vampire poetry which never should’ve seen the light of day.

Thank me later.

Keith Melton

Keith Melton's Megalomaniacal Delusions, Random Junk, Wicked Awesome Alisha Rai writes poetry, Bree gets down with her bad self, Donna loves lizards, vampire lumberjack

Ladies and Gentlemen, Scribbling Ninjas is pleased to present our very first author interview with the funny and talented Mary Hughes. With absolutely no help whatsoever from the terminally lazy Alisha Rai, I (Keith Melton) have collected a bunch of the dumbest questions I could come up with to torment and/or annoy Mary, whom I’ve long suspected may actually be a vampire flautist.

To illustrate the point, I’ve included a picture of her complete with fangs and her instrument of choice raised in Evil Triumph (pay no attention to the relative proportions of flute to body length…if flutes aren’t that long in real life they should be).

So anyway, Mary Hughes has a great sense of humor and her characters crack me up. Her Biting Love series has now stretched to four books with the release of Biting Me Softly on April 20^th. The books are spicy hot paranormal romances, fortified with both humor and vampires and plenty of really racy things that made a wet-behind-the-ears innocent like me blush.

BEHOLD, THE INTERVIEW:

Keith: Tell your fans: will you stay with vampires and the Biting Love series?

Mary Hughes: Like an RPG game, I can’t give up ‘til I finish the boss monster.

(Keith le Interview Editor Says: Let me just break in here and say that anybody who mentions boss monsters in an interview automatically wins. Far as I’m concerned, we can all go read her book safe in the knowledge that she is awesome.)

Keith: How’s the newest book coming along?

Mary Hughes: Oh, I’m glad you asked—kind of like I’m glad I got the chicken pox mid-thirties.
My work in progress is tentatively titled Biting the Rainbow and it’s groundbreaking for me. See, usually I start with main characters and their problems and fumble around for a plot. It’s a process that produces a first draft in about three months.

But for this book the Plot Fairy dinged me with her wand and whammo! I had the whole plot mapped out in advance. And it is an amazing, fantastic, incredible plot. Best I’ve ever done.

So I thought I’d have a draft in a month, maybe two—how hard can fleshing out such a wondrous plot be? Practically writes itself, yeah?

Never ever think “how hard can it be”.

Four months later I’m just hitting my stride. I finally wrote the climax a couple days ago but <rant> I won’t be able to do anything more on it because of release-week mania and a sadistic concert coming up with Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini and more notes in my part than electrons circling ununoctium. </rant>

However. My business training has taught me to look at this not as a problem but as <grits teeth> An Opportunity.

(Keith le Interview Editor Says: Hmm. The only thing business training ever taught me was if you show up late for the meeting, all the good donuts are gone.)

Keith: You say you live in the American Midwest. Honestly, I wasn’t aware there was anything between the two coasts except cows and tornadoes and maybe some Waffle Houses in Texas (although Texas might qualify as southmidwest…). Has the Midwest shaped who you are as a writer?

Mary Hughes: First let me correct your misconceptions. Texas also has 7-Elevens.
The Midwest was actually a warm inland sea during the Cretaceous period (144-66 million years ago). Think thousands of prehistoric Royal Caribbean Cruise ships. Yeah, we were the vacation location, baby.

We’re not all about corn and cows and red state-iness. There are pockets of radical thinking in the Midwest, like Madison, Wisconsin and Kent, Ohio. Places of hot contention. We call them Hot Pockets. (ba-dum-bum)

Has the Midwest influenced me? Sure. I know more about football, camping and how to drive on snow than I want to. And my stories are set in Meiers Corners, a distillation of every small Midwest town I’ve known and loved: close-knit, quirky, lovable and guaranteed to drive you insane.

Keith: I watched the book trailer for Biting Me Softly—which can be seen here:

 

First question: So how did you know I love the cello? Your husband played that? Feel free to tell us how awesome he is.

Mary Hughes: I’ll tell you that Gregg’s pretty damned awesome. But don’t let it get back to him. He already thinks he’s related to Gandhi, Jesus and Martin Luther and unfortunately has ways of proving it. The first time was The Pink Road.

Families have their tales that define them and ours is the Pink Road Story. Early in our marriage Gregg & I were traveling in Indiana, me driving and him shot-gunning. I asked for directions. He consulted the map. Said keep going on I-whatever until you hit the pink road.

I, being a reasonable soul said, “WTF?”

He said “Turn on the pink road,” and showed me the map.

After narrowly avoiding a truck, I pushed the map out of my face and darted a look. The map, as maps do, had different kinds of lines representing the roads, some bold black, some dashed, some in color. He was pointing to a pink line.

I scoffed. “It’s a map, a representation. The road’s not really pink.” Talk about the obvious!

Except…yes, ladies and gentlemen, to my shock just a few miles later the road turned pink. (Cue the chittering violins.) My jaw dropped and I stuttered, “It…it’s pink.” My husband simply smiled but of course has never let me forget that day.

However, back to his awesomeness. He’s a true performer in that he not only plays wonderfully, he plays even better with an audience. He’s also my first reader and evil plotting buddy, head of research and both chief author-get-over-yourselfer and author-bad-day-hugger. Oh, and he is a computer hardware and networking guru. If it has flashing lights and plugs into the wall he can fix it.

Keith’s Second Hardball Question:  “Hide-your-eyes-violence,” “horrendously bad puns,” “fortifying things against rogue vampires?” I think you had me at the word violence, but I’m equally fascinated by bad puns. And we won’t even talk about rogue vampires or I’ll be blabbering on all night.

So why write about computer geeks? What do they bring to the table that classic characters such as Regency spinsters and Kick Ass Tattoo Sportin’ Leather Pants Heroines do not?

Mary Hughes: Ooh, good question. While I’m all over ass-kicking leather-panted Regency spinsters, Liese can use swears like “bend me over and spank me with a netbook”. She can carry batteries and motherboards in her purse without having to seek 12-step intervention. And she can keep up with Logan, CEO of an electronic security firm.

Oh, and I can sneak in my computer, science fiction and physics jokes, like “I’d probably suffer through a marathon of odd-numbered Star Trek movies to see [Logan] one last time. What an ID-10-T I was.”

Aw, come on. That deserved at least a courtesy chuckle.

<Keith Inserts Laugh Track Here>

Keith: Vampires. Should they sparkle? Should they only sparkle if they’re being shot with lasers?

Mary Hughes: YES and can I hold the laser?!

Horrible admission: I read Twilight, and actually I liked it. A bit angsty, but fun to put myself back in those overweight everything’s-SOOO-vitally-important teen years.

Keith: As a musician used to working with meter and rhythm, do you feel this experience helps when constructing your prose? Do you also focus on the rhythm of the words on the page?

Mary Hughes: There once was a man from Nantucket…excuse me. Yes, in a way. Much like my Nixie character I rely heavily on hearing. I don’t write words on a page, I hear them in my brain and then they pour out through my fingers. I don’t think specifically about rhythm and meter but I’ll usually “hear” it if it’s off.

Keith Ryu: You taught Taekwondo while working undercover in the Insurance Industry? (I must admit that is pretty awesome) Did you compete in tournaments? Does martial arts ever play a role in your books? Will you soon be writing about vampire ninjas? Do you find that taekwondo helped you rise up the ladder in the insurance industry? Were your feet actually insured as deadly weapons or is that just an Internet rumor? The glass ceiling…dragon punch through or jumping side kick?

Mary Hughes: I did compete, taught, and even judged in Junior Nationals one year, although it’s been a while. I think my training informs my fight scenes (although the TKD-type word choices sometimes flummoxed my editor. How do I explain heel-hand in the middle of terse action? So I switched that to heel of the hand but it always felt awkward).

Dragon punch ala Street Fighter? The dragon punch is awesome and I can even do a mean flying sidekick, but personally I’m all over the dragon bitch-slap. Or the Vulcan ear flick.

Keith: You seem to have studied religion. It just so happens that Alisha Rai and the writing team of Bree/Donna aka Moira Rogers are involved in a sinister cult. Any quick tips I can use to free their minds? How can I start a religion involving Taekwondo?

Mary Hughes: As it happens I was 1/3 of the way to a masters in theology, so I know the only way to free Bree and Donna is to read them extensive tracts of James Fenimore Cooper. Alternately you can Clockwork-Orange their eyes to all seven seasons of Buffy, but that takes longer.

Keith le Grand Inquisitor: I read that you’re a plot pantser. Does this ever lead to roadblocks and frustration, or do the stories always flow naturally when you write?

Mary Hughes: The only time I have slow-downs is when I actually have a plot, see question 2 above.

Keith: Where do you see yourself in five years? (Provided you continue to escape the mad cows, tornadoes, and Waffle Houses in the nebulous and ill-defined center of the country).

Mary Hughes: When global warming melts the polar ice caps I’m going to throw away the snow shovel and sit on the shores of Lake Midwest, sipping pina coladas.

Keith: Since you’re a computer person I have a pure technical question to ask. Bree deludes herself that robots will take over the world. I have a hard time believing her, since my operating system is Windows Vista, and Vista couldn’t take over a soggy piece of bread if it were a mold spore on a humid day.

So my question: Robot Apocalypse? Or do we all die from carpel tunnel syndrome in 2012.

Mary Hughes: Hey, everybody knows robots have to obey Asimov’s three laws. Besides, they’re only as smart as their creators. So yeah, not worried.

Keith’s Lazy Question: What did you always want to be asked about in an interview that you’ve never been asked before? Feel free to answer that question here.

Mary Hughes: We’re out of the house Wednesdays between 5 and 9. My valuables are stored in the shoebox in the bottom dresser drawer under the afghan my mother-in-law crocheted.

<Keith Inserts Pause for Note Taking> (Aside: If anyone knows what an “afghan” is or what this “crocheted” term means, please email me ASAP, thanks.)

Keith’s Rapid Fire Questions:

1.) Favorite musical artists and/or genres of music?

Mary Hughes: Renaissance dances. DragonForce. The Chicago-effing Symphony rules! Wind bands. Celtic-rock bands.

2.) Food you hate most? (If it’s not Jell-O, skip this question.)

Mary Hughes: Cosmic coincidence! In a scene I wrote a week before this interview the LLAMA ladies had branched out from cheese balls to green gelatin with evil stuff floating in it. How can you not hate evil (little curling finger-gestures) gelatin? It’s un-American.

3.) Would you rather go to outer space or deep under the ocean?

Mary Hughes: Space. It’s bigger. And I keep hearing William Shatner’s voice telling me to do it. Yes, master…

Keith: Did you notice how I love to hear myself ask questions? Hell, I just love to hear myself talk. Honestly, on a scale of one to ten, how annoying is that?

Mary Hughes: The Ukrainian judge gives it a 5.5, but he doesn’t understand English.

Keith: Then it’s all style points for me! EVEN BETTER! Onward…

Keith cont.: As a crafter of stories, is plot more important to you or character development? Or some mixture/ratio of both?

Mary Hughes: They’re both important but character development is my strength. Plot is… An Opportunity. A chance to learn, to grow… Sense a theme here?

Keith: Do you write music?

Mary Hughes: Yes! I wrote the trailer music. I also did a children’s concert piece for orchestra and seven tons of church music, and one church ditty which my pastor (at the time) took to Russia so I’m actually an Internationally-Distributed Composer ☺.

Keith’s Last Question: The Future of Publishing—does it look bright, or does it come to an end alongside everything else in 2012?

Mary Hughes: You and the rest of the Ninjas are in it. How can it not be bright?

(So what that the Mayan calendar ends in 2012? That just means they were going to go out and buy a new one. Probably one with kittens.)

(Keith le Interview Editor: Disclaimer. Mary Hughes was not paid by this blog with cheese balls or any other type of currency and/or barter to say the previous statements. It is the Official Opinion of the editorial staff that the Scribbling Ninjas will most likely be part of the problem in 2012 and not part of the solution.

~*~

My sincere thanks to Mary Hughes for tolerating us here at Scribbling Ninjas. Now go buy her book and revel in the ambrosia of vampires and computer geeks! I’m including a buy link and blurb right after I list all the new things I learned today.

What Keith Learned:

1. Gelatin desserts are Un-American

2. Mary’s husband is secretly awesome but can’t be told of this condition and he also knows about the pink roads

3. There are Plot Fairies but they should be Killed On Sight

4. HTML doesn’t actually recognize <rant> </rant>

5. Texas has 7-Elevens

6. The Midwest has a Royal Caribbean Cruise line AND there are Hot Pockets.

7. Netbooks have a spanking utility

8. Bonus points for limericks!

9. Mary Hughes developed advanced fighting techniques such as the dreaded Dragon Bitch-Slap and the Vulcan Ear-Flick

10. The Mayan Calendar is so grim because it has no pictures of kittens.

BLURB: Biting Me Softly by Mary Hughes

 

He’s a candy box of sex appeal wrapped with a golden bow. She’s on a diet.

 

Blood, sex, violence. Blood, okay, but computer geek Liese Schmetterling had enough S&V when her cheating ex fired her. Now security expert—and lip-smacking gorgeous—Logan Steel saunters into her Blood Center, setting fire to her libido. And threatening her job.

Visions of pink slips dancing in her head, Liese tries to push Logan away without touching his jutting pecs…or ridged abs. Or petting the Vesuvius in his jeans. He’s hiding something, but it doesn’t seem to matter when his smiles stun her, his kisses crank her to broiling and his bites rocket her to heaven. Fangy bites which, if she weren’t grounded in science, would make her think ampire-Vay.

Centuries old and tragedy-scarred, Logan’s mission is to fortify the Blood Center’s electronic defenses against his nemesis, the leader of a rogue vampire gang. He’s ready for battle but not for Liese, who slips under his skin, laughs at his awful puns, charges beside him into dark, scary places—and tastes like his true love.

No matter how often Logan declares his love, Liese can’t bring herself to trust him. But when his archenemy comes after her, not trusting him may cost her life…

Warning: contains explicit vampire sex involving absurdly large male equipment (hey, they’re monsters), unbelievable stamina (just how long can he stay underwater in a hot tub?), hide-your-eyes violence and horrendously bad puns. And, just when you think it can’t get any worse, a computer geekette trying to play Mata Hari.

Buy Link

http://www.mybookstoreandmore.com/biting-softly-p-5342.html

Books, Keith Melton Interviews People, Wicked Awesome Mary Hughes, vampires

In the tradition of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and the bandwagon train of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Queen Victoria Demon Hunter, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, Mr. Darcy Vampyre, Android Karenina, The Undead World of Oz, Emma and the Werewolves, Little Women and Werewolves, Little Vampire Women, Mansfield Park and Mummies, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim, etc, etc, comes the newest Classic Horror Mash Up!

Moby Dick: The Vampire White Whale! by Herman Melville and Keith Melton

See a rather peeved Vampire Hunter Captain Ahab (who apprenticed under the great Van Helsing himself) chase a vampire White Whale around the world while indulging in a bit of ranting, soliloquy-style, and followed by various whaling shenanigans!

Vampire White Whale Moby Dick had bitten Captain Ahab’s leg with his massive three-foot long fangs on a previous whaling expedition. Ahab lost the limb and now sports a finely carved Mahogany wooden leg signed by the crew (Collector’s edition replicas available NOWfor only $19.99 plus $9.99 shipping and handling). Captain Ahab swears vengeance and takes his steampunk airship the Pequod to hunt down and stake the Killer Vampire White Whale who only comes out at night!

See the NEW and IMPROVED Classic Opening line: “Call me Ishmael, apprentice vampire slayer.”

Stare in awe at all the updated mayhem and violence inserted for no other reason than to increase the amount of mayhem and violence!

Marvel as everything you ever learned in school about Moby Dick is turned on its head and warped into a new American Masterpiece that would make an excellent BLOCKBUSTER HOLLYWOOD MOVIE!

(Note: This post is pure satire…unless a publisher wants to pay me a ton of money to maul Melville’s classic work. In which case, I’m so there with bells on, rockin’ my Nantucket accent)

The vibrant illustrations included in this cutting edge mangling adaption of a Great Work of Literature were done in Microsoft Paint. Critiques including, but not limited to, comments on how the water seems to disobey the laws of physics and is actually higher on the right hand side, the fact that Ahab is actually missing two feet, physiological mistakes regarding sperm whales, and/or any other disparaging comments should withheld pending the artist actually learning how to draw.

Keith Melton

Fiction, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk, Wicked Awesome humor, Keith Melton Paints, vampires