Every now and again on Twitter, I’ll go through and follow and unfollow a bunch of people. If I unfollow you, don’t take it personally. Likewise, I don’t take it personally when someone unfollows me. Twitter’s dynamic, not static.

However, a little while ago someone contacted me and demanded to know, in a snarky, confrontational, borderline douche-y way why I had stopped following her. I didn’t really know what to tell her, except maybe I unfollowed her because she was the type of person who would contact me afterward demanding explanations in a snarky, confrontational, borderline douche-y way.

j/k.

But @snarkyconfrontationalborderlinedouchey got me thinking about some of my Twitter turn-offs. And then I drew some pictures with my dubious artistic skillz.

(I see some of you getting paranoid. Remember that I’m talking in terms of extremes and NOT YOU. We’ll have more fun that way.)

 

1) Spammer

 

The annoyance level of this one is high enough I felt I had to include it even though I probably wouldn’t be following you if you were a spammer, I’d block you from following me. You asshat.

 

2) Constant Promo

 

You GUYS. Constant promo is like spam’s baby nephew. Sure, tweet lines from your book. Tweet your release dates/publication news. Tweet your friend’s releases. But for god’s sake, engage beyond that, or you won’t be promo-ing effectively.

 

3) TMI

 

Hey, morning glory, I heard a story…Twitter is PUBLIC. *gasp*

There’s a fine line between being naughty/inappropriate and just excessively, constantly oversharing everything about your body/sex life. One can be cute and fun and funny, and the other can be uncomfortable.

I know it’s hard to resist. It hurts. You know what helps? I repress. Rai’s are real good at repression. Like the time I watched a certain scene in Jerry Maguire with my dad sitting next to me, or the time my mom tried to use a Meatloaf song to launch a discussion about the birds and the bees.

Mama Rai: “You know what he’s talking about, when he says he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that? Sex. He wouldn’t have premarital sex. Because you can die from it. If you aren’t married.”

I repressed! It works great. So the next time you feel the urge to put up an avi of your nipple, take all of that desire, shove it down deep, and write a sex scene with ping pong paddles. Trust me.

 

4) Chronic RTing

 

RTing is fun, isn’t it? But 40 inane RT’s without a break for any actual original content can get boring. RT responsibly.

 

5) Never Tweeter

 

Self-explanatory.

 

6) It’s not you. It’s me.

 

Ah. This covers probably about 99% of the users I unfollow. You may be super fun and have interesting things to say, but I need to let you go right now. I may let you go, and keep someone who hits all of the pet peeves I listed above, but for some reason I want them to hang around a little longer. Maybe the time for us getting together isn’t right at the moment. Maybe I’ll come back to you later, and we’ll feel that click. Maybe I’m burned out. Maybe I just need a change. It’s not you. Really. It’s me. Now baby, please don’t…here. I’ll get the check.

Alisha Runs Amok, Bad Paint, Random Junk Twitter destroys the world, Twitter Love

I make no secret of the fact I like to draw people in Microsoft Paint engaged in Epic Battle with various real threats that people face every day.

So, continuing with that theme and here for your viewing pleasure…MORE RANDOM COMBAT!

 

 

The above picture was requested of me by my step-daughter, and I must say *I approve*!

 

And the above picture was done for Nicole at http://lifeaccording2nicole.blogspot.com/

She’s a book reviewer too, so check out her blog! Anyone who wants a picture of themselves fighting a giant squid with a pen deserves a salute in my book.

Aside: I think I’ll have to do more Robot Fight Club pictures. Perhaps an entire series of them, despite the fact that all three other authors on this site have publicly disavowed my “art” work. ^_^

Bad Paint, Keith Melton's Megalomaniacal Delusions, Keith Uses Paint, Robot Fight Club Giant Squid, Robot Fight Club, Robot sharks

C’mon. You know you feel this way too when you get the whale…

It can’t just be me.

…

Right?

o_O

Bad Paint, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk, Wicked Awesome bombs, Fail Whale, kill this tag

Awesomesauce, Bad Paint, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk Chainsaw Unicorn, Keith Melton Paints

Yes, one thing we’ve learned here at Scribbling Ninjas is to avoid Alisha Rai when she breaks out her dreaded garment of choice…

Not working very well, Alisha…? OR WORKING EXACTLY AS INTENDED! O_O

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the friendly and helpful people at Scribbling Ninjas.

Alisha Runs Amok, Bad Paint, Keith Uses Paint, Public Service Announcement alisha rai, humor, Keith Melton Paints, kill this tag, ninjas, Orange Crankypants

I could’ve sworn I was all caught up and rolling easy, but I couldn’t shake this feeling…

So, thanks to the true randomness of random.org, Courtney S. has won an ebook copy of Darkness At Dawn by Devin Harnois! And I was only a few days late announcing it–though I was under two weeks, which means I don’t have to pay any late fees.

However, I do understand this might tarnish my aura of Steely Competence, so I’ve included a picture of a Giant Squid playing the violin to distract you from my completely and utterly insignificant failure.

These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

Carry on.

Bad Paint, Epic Contests, Keith Uses Paint Giant Squid on the Violin, Keith Melton Paints, noobsauce

Not A Constructive Way To Deal With Criticism:

 

 

 

 

Yep. Well adjusted, that’s me.

…

 

DISCLAIMER: I assume this is obvious, but Just In Case someone actually believes I will feed other people to zombies and/or giant squids for supplying criticism, valid or not, I assure you this is not the case. I don’t have a license to own zombies and I don’t have a place big enough to store a giant squid. I’m actually a Very Nice Person who never does anything bad. Ever. And my imaginary friends are even nicer, if that’s possible. So rest easy.

Bad Paint, Keith Melton's Megalomaniacal Delusions, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk evil face of evil, Giant attack squid, humor, joy, Keith Melton is well adjusted, Keith Melton Paints, Zombies

First off, I regret things have come to this point. I really do.

 But after Bree of Moira Rogers fame posted on her blog a wildly unscientific poll: http://moirarogers.com/blog/archives/2570 and then said on Twitter that her poll was 8000X (eight THOUSAND TIMES) more scientific than Keith Melton, I had to reply.

So I release to the public this picture of Bree and a Giant Spider.

 

Now clearly the spider is harmless.  I mean, his legs aren’t even all the same length and he has a heart on his belly like a CareBear arachnid. But Bree so hates spiders she’s throwing down with a Browning Automatic Rifle in the spider’s grill when he just wants a hug. A hug.

Seems like an Epic Battle to me. (Although, in real life, Bree may be more prone to scream and run from spiders and let her husband shoot them instead).

Sorry, Bree. Had to do it. Especially after you called me out for making comments about the validity of sparkly vampires.

This stunning artwork was done in Microsoft Paint, the gutter program and laughing stock of all real digital artists. I made up Bree’s hairstyle because I couldn’t find a picture without her wearing a tiara.) I included the rifle just because I like to draw guns. And spiders. But tiaras…not so much.

Keith Melton

Bad Paint, Keith Destroys Bree Again, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk Giant Love Spiders, M1918 Browning Automatic Rifle, Revenge

All right. Gloves off. Time to lay down some facts.

Recently Alisha Rai has called me out, repeatedly, in various public forums (and I think she even rented a billboard in Illinois) to rub my face in the fact she has FOUR books out with Samhain and I have only two.

“So what?” you say. “I only come to this blog to win stuff from Bree. I don’t care about your stupid vampires and your colossal ego and your Pre-school level artwork OR your pathetic jealousy about Alisha Rai’s Book Factory.”

(It hurts when you say that, by the way, but moving on…) Let me just include a picture to illustrate my point.

 

That’s an actual quote from her, just so you know.

Now it’s not that I feel any envy at her prolific writing ways, not at all. The truth is, Alisha Rai is planning on TAKING OVER SAMHAIN PUBLISHING AND USING IT TO RULE THE WORLD.

That is journalistic fact, right there. How she will accomplish this? I’m a little fuzzy on the maniacal details of her insidious plans. However, I’m sure it will positively swarm with various degrees of Evil and Malice.

So to pay her back for all her sniping at me, for all her mocking and derision, I’m going to leak the plot of her next book here on Scribbling Ninjas.

Veiled Debauchery by Alisha Rai

Viscount Richard, a notorious rake, has traveled to New York to wallow in the frenetic nightlife when he sees Tasha, a practicing Buddhist monk and part-time Go-Go dancer at one of the city’s most popular clubs. Richard, a rogue down to his socks, immediately sets out to make her his. Tasha is unimpressed by his profligate ways and sends him packing. Richard, a scandalous knave with a noble heart, pursues her with the singular determination of the rich, famous and fabulously lazy. When Richard buys the club and gives her an ultimatum: Go on a hot date with him or be fired, Tasha must decide whether to follow the path of love or stab Richard in the face with a salad fork.

Warning: Smoking-hot blistering hide-the-sausage-shenanigans in a kitchen, in a closet, on a dance stage, references to food, and a few scenes of gratuitous tongue-wrestling and illegal use of a fire hose.

So there, Alisha. The smackdown, I’ve brought it with a bow.

(Oh, and for any rabid Alisha Rai fans out there, Veiled Debauchery is compeltely made up by me so you won’t be able to find it, alas. But you can ask her to write it anyway.)

Alisha v. Keith, Bad Paint, Keith Uses Paint Keith Melton Wins Again, vampires defeat viscounts

Hi visitors to the new blog!

I’d like to sum up some things you may have learned so far:

1) Bree can design an awesome website

2) Bree can’t keep secrets.

3) Keith has it out for me.

The first two are nothing new, but I’m sure the last one has kinda flabbergasted you.  I’m sure you’re saying to yourself right now, “Alisha, we did notice that. Why is Keith so mean to you anyway? You’re so nice and funny and your hair is super shiny and soft.”

Thank you, I know right? (I can’t take full credit for the hair. Paul Mitchell’s Awapuhi works wonders)

Sigh. Let me recap our spat. I refuse to give Mr. Melton the satisfaction of calling it a feud.

A little while ago, I happened to write on twitter that I had a teeny tiny little sekrit. Guys, I never get to have sekrits! All other authors get sekrits, but not me! So could I be blamed for revealing my excitement via a social networking device? Of course not.

But Keith ran to his blog and wrote this post, revealing my so-called secret.

Once I was done rolling my eyes, I promptly responded on my blog and revealed his true secret.

“Artist’s” depiction of Keith as a 1980’s style Harlequin romance hero, complete with mullet, mustache, and aviator shades. I don’t know why he bothers to deny it. Can’t you see his brooding desire to impregnate secretaries everywhere?

I thought we were done, I really did. But he has tormented me daily since then. And I have only offered a lot some little NO provocation, I swear.

Keith, we have to work together, so let’s keep this civil. And if you draw me in a onesie again, I demand it be red. That’s totally my color.

Alisha v. Keith, Awesomesauce, Bad Paint, Random Junk