Mari Fee is a trooper. It seems like years ago that I lured her into doing an interview for the Scribbling Ninjas blog. She (unsuspecting and innocent) said yes. We did the interview—see below. I (unsuspecting and innocent) asked her what she wanted for her MS Paint artwork. Oh nothing much, she assured me. Just a steampunk octopus fighting bears with archeology tools while wearing boots on an airship…

Yeah. Not exactly simple.

It took me forever to finish drawing this. I kept pushing it back. I’d work on it a little, get frustrated because it sucked, and tried to pretend it didn’t exist. Tried to pretend Mari Fee didn’t exist. Suffered guilt. Couldn’t sleep. Starting drinking. I mean, starting drinking more. Life became exceedingly busy. I had edits to do. I had to shave my cat. I had to buy a barbeque. And THEN assemble it. It was easy to put off drawing that thrice-accursed airship. The airship that mocks me, even now, with its uninspired mediocrity, cementing in my mind forever the fact that I will always be a substandard MS Paint artist, and even angry bears cannot save the entire work from reeking of the banal.

 

But aside from that, everything’s peachy. Please read on and enjoy the interview with the wonderful Mari Fee. Info on her novella follows the interview. And you should seriously consider picking it up, because it’s good stuff.

 

Anyway, here’s the art. Don’t judge me. I’ve done that enough for the both of us.

(It’s a bit huge. Too large for this template. I’d click to see it in better detail.)

And here is a closer shot of the octopus and bears. Just because.

Keith Melton: (loaded question alert!) First off, why steampunk?

Mari Fee: Why not steampunk? Do you have something against it? :( Steampunk likes you, you know.

Keith: I have nothing against it. Steampunk and me—we go waaaay back. At least six months. Which is 10,000,000 times my usual attention span. So anyway, will you be writing more steampunk? What do we have to look forward to?

Mari Fee: I have plans for a steampunk-archaeology mash-up in Egypt, with airships and archaeologists and hieroglyphics and possibly mules. It’s not quite ready to start writing yet, though. But when it is, it will be glorious.

Keith: Do you own custom goggles? (I was going to ask about corsets, but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know how uncomfortable I get when people ask about my custom corsets…)

Mari Fee: My fiancé courted me by buying me a pair of mass produced welder’s goggles from a gas station. <3 As for custom corsets, I’m rather envious that you have one and I don’t. So is the fiancé.

Keith: When did you start reading steampunk? Do you remember your first contact with the genre?

Mari Fee: Oddly enough, I do! About 10 years ago I picked up this totally rad book by Martha Wells called Death of the Necromancer, and it turned out to be a pseudo-Victorian fantasy mystery adventure with dead fairies and pistols and explosions. TOTALLY AWESOME.

Other than that, I grew up with a well-thumbed copy of Journey to the Centre of the Earth and the complete Sherlock Holmes. Gotta have the basics.

Keith: Did you light something on fire when you received your Bluebeard’s Machine contract offer?

Mari Fee: No, although my fiancé did offer to buy fireworks. Basically anything is an excuse for fireworks.

Keith: You tend to write shorter stories, by your own admission. Do you have any plans to go novel length?

Mari Fee: Lots of words is scary! I’m having to retrain my brain to think in longer plots – my first instinct is tight and tidy stories. Chips and beer help sustain the imagination when the going gets tough – so yes, I’m currently attempting something novel length. So far it’s longer than Bluebeard’s Machine, which I count as a win.

Read more…

Keith Melton Interviews People, Keith Uses Paint, Wicked Awesome angry bears, Bluebeard's Machine, Mari Fee, steampunk, steampunk octopus

It saddens me to say that my friend Alisha Rai was once viciously attacked by London/UK pigeons for no apparent reason. Thus it became my solemn duty to draw a picture of Alisha battling an Evil Pigeon to memorialize the occasion for all time.

 

This is a warning to all aggressive pigeons. Back off, you bastards!

Also, I thought I’d share the “art” with which I attempted to bribe the artist Kanaxa into doing my cover art. She thought my skills were so lacking that she agreed to do my cover out of sheer pity.

 

Thanks, Kanaxa! More of her cover art can be found here: http://kanaxa.com/Home.html

Oh, yeah. And I wrote a book that may or may not be funny/amusing/completely-off-the-rails-stupid. It releases on February 15th. It can be found here: http://store.samhainpublishing.com/the-zero-dog-war-p-6261.html

Here’s the blurb for The Zero Dog War

The first bullet is always free. After that, you gotta pay.

Zero Dog Missions, Book 1

After accidentally blowing up both a client facility and a cushy city contract in the same day, pyromancer and mercenary captain Andrea Walker is scrambling to save her Zero Dogs. A team including (but not limited to) a sexually repressed succubus, a werewolf with a thing for health food, a sarcastic tank driver/aspiring romance novelist, a three-hundred-pound calico cat, and a massive demon who really loves to blow stuff up.

With the bankruptcy vultures circling, Homeland Security throws her a high-paying, short-term contract even the Zero Dogs can’t screw up: destroy a capitalist necromancer bent on dominating the gelatin industry with an all-zombie workforce. The catch? She has to take on Special Forces Captain Jake Sanders, a man who threatens both the existence of the team and Andrea’s deliberate avoidance of romantic entanglements.

As Andrea strains to hold her dysfunctional team together long enough to derail the corporate zombie apocalypse, the prospect of getting her heart run over by a tank tread is the least of her worries. The government never does anything without an ulterior motive. Jake could be the key to success…or just another bad day at the office for the Zeroes.

---

Product Warnings

Keith Uses Paint Keith Paints stuff, new releases, Ninja Alisha Rai, The Zero Dog War, When Pigeons Attack!, yadda yadda yadda

Once upon a time I was interviewed by the notorious Meankitty, “owned” by author Jody Wallace. Now the hour for payback is upon us! Also, ’tis the hour of bad Microsoft Paint pictures of Jody Wallace and Meankitty laying out some hardcore smackdown on a bunch of flesh-eating gnomes…

 

Keith Melton: So we meet again, Meankitty. Alas, this time it is I who holds the microphone and the pictures of your wild catnip crazed nights in Vegas. So let’s just cut to the chase. Interview subjects. Which do you prefer? Humans, dogs, cats, or piranhas?

Meankitty: Cats. No contest. Sometimes dogs try to get uppity with me and I have to bring out the claw. Speaking of uppity, and hippity hoppity, we’re about to interview a rabbit. That should be interesting.

KM: That would make a good title for your autobiography, actually. “Meankitty: Bringing Out The Claw.”

And I’ve heard rumors of this upcoming rabbit interview. Apparently the bunny in question claims to be a servant of the Prince of Darkness. Who knew?

But moving on…please take a moment and list the indignities and day-to-day humiliations you suffer as a result of being owned by a human with a writing career. Don’t hold back. Let it all out. Is that a tear I see? I sense some large-scale pathos on the way…

Meankitty: Just five minutes ago, I saw her pushing Big D out of the way because the LAPTOP was in her lap. This happens far too often. In fact, I have no need to be in her lap until the LAPTOP makes an appearance. Or when she’s sick to her stomach or suffering from some kind of hot flash. Then I like to press my sultry, furry self up against her and make things worse. Oh, and sometimes when I have cold feet. As for the rest, she hired Food Slave (the man human) to tend our culinary and litterbox needs so we’re okay there. I say “hired” but I think the humans call it “married”. I don’t try to argue semantics with the fur challenged.

KM: Probably wise. Our five dedicated readers would like to know: Do you chase mice…or do mice chase you?

Meankitty: No mice have the ability to chase in this house. We run a clean operation. As for other mice, see below.

KM: Cat toys? Blissful objects of feline joy, or crass plastic exploitation manufactured in China?

Meankitty: It depends on the toy. I’m particularly fond of small fake mice and any precious small objects that are not exactly cat toys but which the mini humans love. Either way, they ALL go under the couch and stove. I also like to bat food crumbs under there. I was solely responsible for the Great Weevil Infestation of 2009. Meeeee-ow, was that ever hilarious! Freaking-out humans are laughtastic.

KM: I recently read a rumor (which may have been started by a certain demonic bunny) that you lick yourself. Truth or Libel?

Meankitty: Of course I do. I’m delicious!

KM: That may actually qualify as the Best Answer Ever To An Inappropriate Question.

So are you as “mean” as your title implies? Or are you just tragically misunderstood?

Meankitty: Yes and no.

KM: Ah, scintillating. I’m curious. What’s the question you’ve always wanted to ask but have never been asked because you’re a cat, and people generally don’t ask cats about their opinions? Feel free to answer that question here.

Meankitty: The answer is, “Because they’re pink inside.” HAHAHAHAHA! Am I right or am I right?

KM: Do you fear the coming Typing Slave Revolution? Do you ever bite the hand that feeds? LOL Cats, love ‘em or hate ‘em? And lastly, do you sing?

Meankitty: Typing Slave’s only revolution is when she gave up coffee for tea. The woman is not the revolution type. Most cat staff aren’t. We select them that way carefully.

No, I don’t bite the hand that feeds me. That’s a beginner’s tactic. Sometimes Big D does but he’s dumber than I am.

LOL Cats are spelling challenged. But they sure make a lot more money than we do. I would love to make that kind of money, but I would not love to have that many ads on my website or do that much work. Could there BE more sites in the Cheezburger network? I mean, seriously. Sure the contributors and commenters provide most of the entertainment, but still.

No, I do not sing. I am more of a dancer.

KM: Okay, our sincere thanks to Meankitty for allowing us into the exciting world of Cats on the Internet. Now we turn to interview Meankitty’s professional cat wrangler and author, Jody Wallace, aka Ellie Marvel, aka MK’s Typing Slave. First question: do you feel a compulsive need to correct grammar errors? Is this a consequence of your time spent as a college English instructor?

Jody Wallace: I restrain myself more than I used to since I don’t get paid to do it anymore but the urge burns inside me like the yearning for coffee after several months of caffeine free tea.

KM: You have creepy pictures of gnomes on your website. Do these gnomes exist in your general vicinity? And how can you walk through your yard in peace knowing there are creepy gnomes peeking at you?

Jody Wallace: Gnomes do exist everywhere, but my yard is protected. I invested in gnome-pel, I have Meankitty, and I know for a fact the gnome statues I own will not reanimate in the presence of magic. In fact, like the statues Jake’s grandfather Pap creates (from Survival of the Fairest), they ward off the REALLY dangerous creatures of the paranormal underworld.

Question for readers: is your yard protected? Are you prepared? One thing to beware of is the tiny, buzzing grrrrrrrrr gnomes make right before the attack. Another is the gleam in their eyes that can be mistaken as harmless dewdrops or some shit like that. Plus they smell like carrion. You catch a whiff of that? Don’t look around for the roadkill, just run.

KM: Well, I know I’m prepared. I wear chainmail socks and I installed strands of electrified razor wire around the flowerbeds…

Follow up question: will the world ever learn the truth about gnomes? Forget the zombies, what about the Gnome Apocalypse?

http://blog.jodywallace.com/2010/04/snippet-saturday-eerie-and-scary.html

Jody Wallace: It’s not like I’m not putting the information out there. What the world chooses to do with it–like ignore me totally–is their mistake. If you don’t want to be on the losing side, watch your back, and invest in some high quality waders.

KM: Tell us about your newest book release.

Jody Wallace: I assume you mean something currently on the shelves. Alas, I can’t remember that far back. Ok, I had a contemporary romance come out in December 2009 as Ellie Marvel called “What She Deserves” — a high school reunion story with insufficient cats or gnomes. But people seem to like it. I hope that’s not a reflection of how much they don’t like cats and gnomes.

KM: I realize that Survival of the Fairest has flesh-eating gnomes (which should make it an auto-buy for any reader of this blog), but do you ever plan on writing a romance about gnomes? I’m sure they have some stories to tell…

Aside to our readers

(You can find Survival of the Fairest and other Jody Wallace books here: http://samhainpublishing.com/authors/jody-wallace )

Jody Wallace: Gnomes don’t reproduce in a way that human readers would consider romantic, considering it involves turning to stone, shattering themselves into pieces and waiting for those pieces to reform into baby gnomes, aka skitters. That’s why, during a gnome infestation, you really have to stomp the bits into dust. Can’t have heads and limbs rolling around intact. They will literally come back to bite you in the ass.

With that in mind, I’d have to say their potential as romance novel protagonists is limited. Hm. Maybe children’s stories, you think?

KM: Honestly, I had NO IDEA about the details of gnome reproduction. Fascinating…and yet entirely disturbing.

But on with our questions!

Do you prefer to work from tight outlines or are you a pantser?

Jody Wallace: I like my pants. Sometimes they get set on fire. By the HOTNESS, of course.

KM: That only happens to me when I’m running the barbeque.

Moving on…

So, what are your favorite types of stories? Any favorite themes or tropes or character archetypes?

Jody Wallace: Reworked fairy tales are a joy. Favorite themes would be best friends who become better friends, HUBBA HUBBA, women who can rescue themselves but let the men help so they’ll feel manly, men who realize women can rescue themselves but go ahead and help so she won’t be too exhausted afterwards to have sex, and apocalyptic stuff that isn’t entirely bleak. Well, to be honest, I’m not drawn to anything that’s bleak. Except the publishing industry, and opinions on that are wildly varied.

KM: You crochet, which I’m told is completely different from knitting, sewing, or pottery. You also crochet some extremely awesome things. Here’s an example:

And some more can be found here:

http://blog.jodywallace.com/2009/03/happy-st-patricks-day.html

http://blog.jodywallace.com/2010/08/skip-your-coffee-for-good-cause.html

Do you work from a pattern? Do you create these designs on your own? Do you sell these things?

Jody Wallace: I work mostly from patterns. I’m actually not very good. I mess up a lot and try to send my stuff to people who don’t crochet themselves; that way they won’t notice my lack of skillz. I do not sell anything for money. I prefer other kinds of payment. Praise, adoration, back scratching, free meals, that sort of thing. 

Keith’s Lazy Question: What did you always want to be asked about in an interview that you’ve never been asked before? Feel free to answer that question here.

Jody Wallace: Yes, thanks! I’ll take it in cash.

Keith’s Rapid Fire Questions:

1.) Favorite musical artists and/or genres of music?

Jody Wallace: Faves are funk, trip hop, speed garage, some industrial, bluegrass, anything by They Might Be Giants except that one album, 80’s music because of the painful nostalgia, and Irish punk.

2.) Food you hate most? (If it’s not Jell-O, skip this question and/or lie.)

Jody Wallace: Jell-O with LIVER and bits of SOUSE MEAT in it. Not even Meankitty will eat souse meat.

KM: I had to look up souse meat…and I may never be the same. Souse meat is a substance that should be purged from the earth with FIRE!

FIRE, I SAY!

::pant, pant, pant::

Okay, on with the interview before I have to start the hard drinking to forget about souse meat…

3.) Would you rather go to outer space or deep under the ocean?

Jody Wallace: Deep under the ocean. Outer space is dicey since I’m still in hiding after that incident on Baranax Prime in Galactic Year 298744. Oh, wait, that’s a lie. The true answer is neither. I get sea and air sick too easily.

4) What would be your ideal vacation?

Jody Wallace: I think I just took it. DH and I went to Yellowstone with a gnome, a writer friend, her husband and no kids. I love my children, I really do, but I don’t think they’d have enjoyed Yellowstone at their ages. Too much waiting, not enough places to swim without getting boiled or frozen.

Another ideal part was I didn’t have to worry about the kids (or cats) because my sister stayed at our house with them. Bless her! I got to hear a lot of funny stories about how Meankitty tormented “Nanny Slave” in our absence. MK broke out the one paw, the midnight howl, the crazed bug chase and even invented a few new maneuvers. That Meankitty!

KM: What are you looking forward to the most in the coming year, career wise and life-in-general?

Jody Wallace: I have a novel due out with Samhain in February or March 2011 called One Thousand Kisses, the sequel to Survival of the Fairest. It’s full of cats and a few gnomes. Meankitty made me do it. I’m in edits right now, cutting 16,000 precious words you will NEVER get to SEE that are probably the best things I’ve ever written in my life. No, that’s the hick lit novel nobody wanted to buy. But these 16,000 words are damn good ones.

I’m also looking forward to August 2011 when my youngest starts kindergarten. FREEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMM! Only, I don’t think I’ll paint my face blue or get myself stabbed with a sword.

KM: I believe the general idea is to paint your face blue and stab other people with a sword, but who’s keeping track, right? ^_^

Thanks again to Jody Wallace and Meankitty for taking the time to join us today. Jody can be found on Twitter:

http://twitter.com/jodywallace

Jody’s books can be found here:

http://www.jodywallace.com/fiction1.htm

and Ellie Marvel’s books can be found here:

http://www.jodywallace.com/fiction2.htm

The notorious Meankitty and various amusing Meankitty interviews can be found here:

http://blog.jodywallace.com/

Drop by. Say hello. But whatever you do, don’t taunt Meankitty with anchovies…

Keith Melton Interviews People, Keith Uses Paint, Wicked Awesome, Writer Stuff flesh-eating gnomes, Jody Wallace, Meankitty

I make no secret of the fact I like to draw people in Microsoft Paint engaged in Epic Battle with various real threats that people face every day.

So, continuing with that theme and here for your viewing pleasure…MORE RANDOM COMBAT!

 

 

The above picture was requested of me by my step-daughter, and I must say *I approve*!

 

And the above picture was done for Nicole at http://lifeaccording2nicole.blogspot.com/

She’s a book reviewer too, so check out her blog! Anyone who wants a picture of themselves fighting a giant squid with a pen deserves a salute in my book.

Aside: I think I’ll have to do more Robot Fight Club pictures. Perhaps an entire series of them, despite the fact that all three other authors on this site have publicly disavowed my “art” work. ^_^

Bad Paint, Keith Melton's Megalomaniacal Delusions, Keith Uses Paint, Robot Fight Club Giant Squid, Robot Fight Club, Robot sharks

C’mon. You know you feel this way too when you get the whale…

It can’t just be me.

…

Right?

o_O

Bad Paint, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk, Wicked Awesome bombs, Fail Whale, kill this tag

Awesomesauce, Bad Paint, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk Chainsaw Unicorn, Keith Melton Paints

This happened to me the other day. True story. I was minding my own business, rockin my hardcore writer swagger, when a (possibly psychotic) chainsaw unicorn attacked me with no provocation. I say “possibly psychotic” because it’s hard to evaluate the typical mental stateof a unicorn with a wonking chainsaw sticking out of its forehead.

It was pretty much exactly like The Texas Chainsaw Massacreonly with unicorns that fart rainbows, have chainsaws instead of horns, and get pissed if you tell them they’re only the result of delirium tremens.

…

…

And yeah, I’m just killin time, waiting until my next book release. That obvious, is it?

I should also mention on a more serious and dignified note that I’ve been interviewed over at the Reading on the Dark Side blog. The link is here: http://readingonthedarkside.blogspot.com/2010/09/interview-keith-melton.html

In the interview I briefly talk about two of my books coming out in 2011.

Keith Melton's Megalomaniacal Delusions, Keith Uses Paint, Wicked Awesome Chainsaw Unicorns, Keith Melton

Yes, one thing we’ve learned here at Scribbling Ninjas is to avoid Alisha Rai when she breaks out her dreaded garment of choice…

Not working very well, Alisha…? OR WORKING EXACTLY AS INTENDED! O_O

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the friendly and helpful people at Scribbling Ninjas.

Alisha Runs Amok, Bad Paint, Keith Uses Paint, Public Service Announcement alisha rai, humor, Keith Melton Paints, kill this tag, ninjas, Orange Crankypants

So @j_hussein dared me via Twitter to post a picture of myself online. Behold: 

Here’s her site, btw, where you can go inform her that even though she lost the bet, I won, so it all works out in the end.

http://insanehussein.com/blog/

Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk, Writer Stuff Artastic!, Fire-breathing Giant Squids, werebeaver

A few months back, something horrible happened.

Ann Aguirre vanished from Twitter without a trace.

Many of you may have heard the Official Government Story. According to the authorities, Ann’s Twitter account was hacked and deleted, thus condemning her to a life without 140 character snippets of conversation. How will she know the newest trending topic? How will she stay up to date on all the hourly life minutia of a gazillion different Twitter users?

I know. Tragic.

I set out to uncover the truth about Ann’s disappearance. Unfortunately, the Moira Rogers duo of Bree and Donna were completely useless, having fallen into the depths of despair over Ann’s unexpected disappearance. Both kept claiming that Ann Aguirre was inexplicably transported to Alabama to hang out with them and party hard. Clearly both had gone mad with grief.

(My attempts to contact Alisha Rai were also fruitless, as she is no longer speaking to me in sentences free of profanity. Vivian Arend claims that Canada was not involved in Ann’s disappearance. Robyn Bachar blamed the elves. Misty Evans put forth her suspicions that rogue KGB elements may have been involved.)

I was forced to set off for Mexico to find out what had happened to the author. Luckily, my Spanish language skills include the words naranja and tequila, so this gringo was all set for south of the border shenanigans.  

What I found shocked me to the core. I have included NEVER BEFORE SEEN VIDEO FOOTAGE of the events of the fateful night when Ann Aguirre disappeared forever.

  

 

 

 

See that folks? Ann Aguirre, abducted by aliens eager to read Razorland, and still she thinks about her readers and Twitter entourage first. That’s love, right there.

Don’t worry. I’m sure Ann will be freed eventually by the Mother Ship when it stops to play some funky music, Close Encounters-style. However, we must soldier on without her on Twitter…

…in fact, I have to go tweet about feeding my cat and follow up with a riveting 140 character rant about what I had for lunch. Carry on!

Technical Details: All art was done in Microsoft Paint for maximum choice of color palette and vibrancy.

The moon shifting position within the frames is not a bug, it’s a feature.

Some may wonder why Ann Aguirre was writing a novel in the middle of a cow pasture while sitting on a milking stool. Alas, since she is no longer on Twitter (perhaps not even in this solar system) she cannot be asked this intriguing question.

Razorland looks pretty damn awesome. It also looks as if some lucky reader could win a copy of it on Goodreads.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7137327-razorland

No cows were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Keith Melton's Megalomaniacal Delusions, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk alien abduction, ann aguirre, humor, Mexico looks like Ohio, Twitter destroys the world