In the tradition of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and the bandwagon train of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Queen Victoria Demon Hunter, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, Mr. Darcy Vampyre, Android Karenina, The Undead World of Oz, Emma and the Werewolves, Little Women and Werewolves, Little Vampire Women, Mansfield Park and Mummies, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim, etc, etc, comes the newest Classic Horror Mash Up!

Moby Dick: The Vampire White Whale! by Herman Melville and Keith Melton

See a rather peeved Vampire Hunter Captain Ahab (who apprenticed under the great Van Helsing himself) chase a vampire White Whale around the world while indulging in a bit of ranting, soliloquy-style, and followed by various whaling shenanigans!

Vampire White Whale Moby Dick had bitten Captain Ahab’s leg with his massive three-foot long fangs on a previous whaling expedition. Ahab lost the limb and now sports a finely carved Mahogany wooden leg signed by the crew (Collector’s edition replicas available NOWfor only $19.99 plus $9.99 shipping and handling). Captain Ahab swears vengeance and takes his steampunk airship the Pequod to hunt down and stake the Killer Vampire White Whale who only comes out at night!

See the NEW and IMPROVED Classic Opening line: “Call me Ishmael, apprentice vampire slayer.”

Stare in awe at all the updated mayhem and violence inserted for no other reason than to increase the amount of mayhem and violence!

Marvel as everything you ever learned in school about Moby Dick is turned on its head and warped into a new American Masterpiece that would make an excellent BLOCKBUSTER HOLLYWOOD MOVIE!

(Note: This post is pure satire…unless a publisher wants to pay me a ton of money to maul Melville’s classic work. In which case, I’m so there with bells on, rockin’ my Nantucket accent)

The vibrant illustrations included in this cutting edge mangling adaption of a Great Work of Literature were done in Microsoft Paint. Critiques including, but not limited to, comments on how the water seems to disobey the laws of physics and is actually higher on the right hand side, the fact that Ahab is actually missing two feet, physiological mistakes regarding sperm whales, and/or any other disparaging comments should withheld pending the artist actually learning how to draw.

Keith Melton

Fiction, Keith Uses Paint, Random Junk, Wicked Awesome humor, Keith Melton Paints, vampires

You’re welcome.

Alisha Runs Amok, Awesomesauce, Cool Videos, Random Junk alisha rai, i tag because i love, ninjas, videos

Hi visitors to the new blog!

I’d like to sum up some things you may have learned so far:

1) Bree can design an awesome website

2) Bree can’t keep secrets.

3) Keith has it out for me.

The first two are nothing new, but I’m sure the last one has kinda flabbergasted you.  I’m sure you’re saying to yourself right now, “Alisha, we did notice that. Why is Keith so mean to you anyway? You’re so nice and funny and your hair is super shiny and soft.”

Thank you, I know right? (I can’t take full credit for the hair. Paul Mitchell’s Awapuhi works wonders)

Sigh. Let me recap our spat. I refuse to give Mr. Melton the satisfaction of calling it a feud.

A little while ago, I happened to write on twitter that I had a teeny tiny little sekrit. Guys, I never get to have sekrits! All other authors get sekrits, but not me! So could I be blamed for revealing my excitement via a social networking device? Of course not.

But Keith ran to his blog and wrote this post, revealing my so-called secret.

Once I was done rolling my eyes, I promptly responded on my blog and revealed his true secret.

“Artist’s” depiction of Keith as a 1980’s style Harlequin romance hero, complete with mullet, mustache, and aviator shades. I don’t know why he bothers to deny it. Can’t you see his brooding desire to impregnate secretaries everywhere?

I thought we were done, I really did. But he has tormented me daily since then. And I have only offered a lot some little NO provocation, I swear.

Keith, we have to work together, so let’s keep this civil. And if you draw me in a onesie again, I demand it be red. That’s totally my color.

Alisha v. Keith, Awesomesauce, Bad Paint, Random Junk

We all know the story.

Some one’s having a ton of fun running around, poking things with a sharp stick and/or running with scissors and/or jumping through flaming hoops on his or her tricycle. Before you know it, a few basic rules are ignored and somebody ends up losing an eye.

So, being the only responsible individual in a group of degenerate writers, I thought I’d post a fundamental rule we should never violate in this sanctified place:

So please, please, PLEASE no mentions of Jell-o, gelatin deserts, Jello shots, Jello wrestling, When Jello Attacks, or the time you spilled Jello on my book, couldn’t read the pages any more and decided you liked it that way.

I’ll be setting up some ground rules from time to time, otherwise that mad woman Alisha Rai will run amok, resulting in our new blog (soon to be known for its intelligence and refinement) degrading into chaos and nonsense. This is a cross I’ve taken up entirely on my own, since I’m by far the most dignified and mature of the writers gathered here.

By the way, how do you like my flamethrower? I created that picture in Microsoft Paint, which was a brutal exercise akin to gargling with broken glass, so *don’t* bother recommending I buy a tablet and Photoshop. Some of us are stuck with Paint.

Pity us.

Edited to add:

I just wanted to point out that I posted before Alisha Rai, and therefore I pretty much win. Sorry Alisha. There’s always second place. Just sayin’

Keith's Rules, Random Junk No Gelatin Allowed

This is not the greatest first post in the world. This is just a tribute.

How about a little Lorem Ipsum?

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Morbi vehicula commodo accumsan. Quisque eu justo metus, viverra volutpat nisl. Nam nec egestas massa. Nullam elementum, magna vitae rhoncus feugiat, nibh elit dictum sem, mattis placerat sem sem nec magna. Suspendisse eros risus, egestas ac aliquam ac, ullamcorper in tortor. Cras ac felis ac turpis condimentum adipiscing sed nec dolor. Nulla eu elit facilisis turpis faucibus tempor. Cras vestibulum arcu nec odio molestie lacinia. Ut nibh leo, malesuada vitae pretium et, ultricies a dui. Aliquam dignissim faucibus sapien vel fermentum. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Morbi blandit est et nisi varius eget lobortis felis facilisis.

Nam tristique est diam, et dignissim lectus. Suspendisse vel elit libero. Ut vitae urna ligula, et feugiat diam. Nulla facilisi. Nullam ut nibh nec velit mattis mattis. Quisque sagittis rhoncus lectus, nec malesuada mi convallis suscipit. Sed congue, nunc cursus rutrum elementum, odio massa ullamcorper orci, nec vulputate velit ligula tincidunt ipsum. Nulla scelerisque porta vulputate. Nulla facilisi. Fusce viverra, nisi quis fringilla mattis, leo enim sollicitudin erat, ac scelerisque leo tellus eget urna. Morbi ultricies nibh ac justo ullamcorper scelerisque. Nam eu lorem sit amet orci commodo dignissim.

Random Junk overdone jokes