There’s nothing more fun than reviewing a book with LOLCats, so I’m planning on highlighting some of my favorite reads from time to time in graphical format.  However, it just wouldn’t be fun without the first one I ever did, so I’m lifting it from me’n Donna’s blog and reposting it here.  For the children.  (Wait, no, NOT for the children…)

BLOOD VICE by Keith Melton: Version LOLcat

Karl Vance is a hitman. A vampire hitman.

He works for the mob. Don’t piss him off.  Unless you’re a foxy dame…

Maria is a Foxy Dame. She also has a plan to fix her daddy’s organization…

But being a smart, foxy dame who’s daddy is a mob-boss isn’t always very safe.

Can Karl save the day, the dame and himself?

I’m not telling! You have to read the book!

Bree For THE WIN, LOLCatReviews making fun of keith, the many careers of karl vance, vampires = always funny

Well, well.  Keith Melton thinks he’s so smart.  Thanks to his big mouth we’re going to have to abandon our 9 book erotic romance sheepshifter series, Things That Go Baaaaah In The Night. The mystique is gone, and now I feel the world won’t be properly awed by such titles as Sheep Sanctuary and Little Bo Peep Lost Her Sheepshifters.

Sigh.

My only recourse now is mutually assured destruction.  Since Keith can’t keep his mouth shut about private correspondence, I think it’s only fair that I share the sorry story of the many, many plots for Blood Vice he had rejected before he decided to make Karl Vance a hot-ass vampire who works for the mob.

You see, what Keith has never admitted to anyone is that his vision of the book never involved explosions and chases and foxy dames.  Keith wanted to write something else entirely:

VAMPIRE BOYBANDS

That’s right.  Karl Vance has the soul of an artist, guys, and there’s a long documented history of this. So long, in fact, that his very first draft dates his attempts:

Draft One: New Karl On The Block

Clearly this was never going to work. For one thing, there’s the gaping plot hole of how no one ever asked why Karl is so damn pale.  And they would have asked, because he kept taking his shirt off for all the photo shoots.  Besides, when you’re on the road all the time, one of your band mates is going to ask why you keep drinking the blood of criminals.

So, on to Draft Two: Bare Naked Karls

…well, no one asked why he kept taking his shirt off.  They did wonder why there were five of him, though, but the ways of vampires are mysterious indeed, and hey.  Five is better than one.  Keith was on to something!  Except really, how often can a vampire really be naked before people stop taking him seriously?

Draft Three: ‘Karl Sync

Now we’re onto something. Except for the fact that they’re outside.  In the daytime.

Ahem.

Clearly at this point the stress got to Keith, because you know what happened next.

Draft 4: Spice Karl

That’s right.

Now I suppose this story has a happy ending, since eventually Keith went on to write a rollicking urban fantasy with guns and danger and political intrigue, but I want this to serve as a lesson to all of you.

No. Not a lesson in perseverance.

A better lesson: don’t tell me secrets.

Bad Photoshop > Good Paint, Bree For THE WIN the many careers of karl vance, vampires = always funny